Dead Man Walking
by West-Door-88
Summary: Pseudo Isekai? That's something not common I guess... I mean come on! At least Truck-kun didn't send me to another world at least! Whatever... just let me regenerate my brains again to think clearer... I guess...? Man, I suck at summaries... SI/Pseudo Isekai/Gore/Too much gore/Contradicting MC/I don't give a shit, but I'm just going to do it MC/Goblins/Goblin Slayer killing Goblins
1. Where Am I?

"Are you sure of becoming an Adventurer mister?"

A nod will suffice to her answers.

"Alright! If so, please fill out this Adventure Sheet. Are you able to read and write?"

The quill still feels weird in my rough, scarless hands. So delicate and so light, unlike the graphite I have mostly used in my lifetime. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of a muscular heavily tanned woman signing the same sheet that I was filling out. Our eyes met for a brief moment, the vibrant blood red of mine clashing with rich dark golden of hers. Then we turned our heads away facing what was in front of us.

I no longer saw her for the day after that.

"Let's see… 19 and… a Melee Fighter…?"

It's either a scout or that… Is there a problem?

"N-no… it's just that… you don't seem like a Melee Fighter to be honest… Oh! Forgive me for my rudeness sir!"

No need. Everybody could make the same mistake in my opinion. My body was indeed looked quite thin and frail on the outside, although there were hard condensed muscles inside this trench coat, inside this black tank top. Inside these clothes and endless weapons that do not belong to me.

"The requests are all in th— e-eh? A… Goblin quest? Sir, are you sure about doing this quest? Not to be rude, but most first time adventurers form a team of four at least…"

I stare at her. Hard.

"A-ah… E-even if you give me that scary stare I will no—"

Staring intensifies.

"All right! All right! I'll let you take the quest! Just… just don't stare at me like that again!"

Good.

Without further more words, I head out into the sunlight as a warrior with full armor came past me. Strange. He was the only one I have seen with full head armor on since others won't wear it for they fear their face won't be known publicly and be praised for a hero. Dumb people… if you die, it's just another body among the nameless people. First, live, then contemplate of getting famous.

…

…

…

I need a smoke.

_*tak*_

_*puff*_

_*phew*_

Let me tell you what happened. I was just a cosplayer. Nothing more, nothing less. A simple person just a few months ago who just minding my business doing what I wished to do at that certain time. Cosplaying was just one of my nerdy hobbies. Getting into the mood of the character, impersonating somebody who experienced something we could never experience, pretending to be somebody else was something I found to be pleasing. For me acting was something that made me look into the perspective of others, allowing me to be in the shoes of the tyrant _'Richard III'_, a boy who was driven to madness from _'King of the Flies'_, a priest who fell to the temptations he had so hardly suppressed in _'Notre Dame de Paris'_… Since we couldn't speak French, we had to go with the translated version for the last one, but it wasn't so bad.

…

Anyways I was cosplaying, brooding as this guy I dressed up should… then…

…

…

…

I must have spaced out because I don't remember what happened then. The next thing I remember is the hard asphalt ground replaced with hard dense dirt and…

…

…

…

…

…

And monsters…

At first, I tried to run. Oh, how I tried to run away from the whole horde of them. How I tried to beg and plead to let my language go through their heads. How I squeezed my brain to recall all the Spanish I have learned in my young years to try and speak it to spare my life. Then, when it dawned on me that communication was impossible when I realized what they were going to do with me, I fought back like a little girl struggling against a pedophile's forceful hands as their iron grip prevented her to be released. I think I poked one in their eye and that was it the minute something stabbed me through my stomach. I screamed and forgot to fight back.

…

…

…

…

…

_How they ripped me into shreds with their teeth, claws, body, fingers, magic, feet… How they burnt me with their torches, fireballs, steam, acid, poison…_

How they killed me over, _**and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over…**_

…

I don't know how I know this, but after 300 hours, I finally got used to the pain.

…

_**and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over…**_

…

50 more hours from that, I decided I had enough.

…

…

I started to kill them with what I have brought along.

My cosplay materials, the character's weapons, his ax was lying, buried in the ground. I dug it up and the axe seemed real enough. Lo and behold, it was real and that was all I needed.

_**SPLAT**_

One down.

_**SPLAT**_

Two down.

_**SPLAT**_

Three down.

_**SPLAT**_

…

I died again.

_**SPLAT**_

I killed it.

_**SPLAT**_

I died. Didn't expect that monster's acid to be so strong.

_**SPLAT**_

I killed it.

Eventually, I lost count as I recovered more of what I have lost. One ax. Two machetes. A few handguns. Then I noticed something strange. I still had my clothes on. Clothes that had to be torn into pieces and pieces. Clothes that I shouldn't have had. Surprisingly, I found out that my equipment, _his equipment_, comes back after 24 hours. Great, I wouldn't need to worry about running out of the smoke.

But my face has also changed from what I remember mine. My face that was once probably fair was now ghastly pale and wan as if all of my blood has drained as if I was just a dead man walking. My eyes were red even without the contact lenses _and how red they were…_ It was as if all the blood that had gone from my skin went straight to my eyes to shine my life, my soul, my callow youths that was destroyed during that 300 hours of pure absolute torturous experience of death.

Is this what _he_ had gone through all his life? Then what for? What was the purpose of his everlasting life that was full of death and blood? What made him go on? _What was his drive?_

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Tell me… _**why the fuck do I need to know that?**_

I chose to become an adventurer because I needed a job to live in society. I chose to become an adventurer to live a life with meaning. I chose to be an adventurer so I could _finally_ help those in need. I chose to become an adventurer _to kill those fucking monsters so they can't hurt me back._

…? Is somebody calling me?

…

Oh. It's the man with full armor. But why is he calling me for?

"I heard you took the Goblin Quest"

So I did. What of it?

"Let me join you"

… for what reason?

"I have to kill goblins"

… no. An actual re—

"**I have to kill goblins"**

… that's a solid reason. His voice that was layered with sheer conviction persuaded me in an instant. Just don't die.

With that happy note, we started to walk towards our destination and in 15 minutes I would realize just how badly broken this man was similar to me. PTSD? Is that what they called it? Yeah. For some reason, this poor bloke had somehow gone through worse than me. 30 minutes from now, I would catch on his obsession with goblins and assume that those creatures were the ones responsible for his current state. And then, until lunch we would walk, silently, shoulder to shoulder as the glowing tip of the cigarette would touch my fingertips as a large, lazy, white smoke, foul but calm, would rise from it.

…

Don't smoke. It's foul and filthy as they will make your lungs black with malicious pain and rot your balls to wrinkly bags of skin and allow your dick to go limp most of the time. However, for me it's okay. I'm not affected by it at all…

…

So who am I you ask? Still didn't guess yet?

I'm just a pseudo Zombieman cosplayer who is an adventurer as a hobby.

* * *

All away from here, I see a little sway of redness from a distance attached to a little form that seemed to be an innocent child. She races up towards the two of us as I extinguish the orange glow from my cigarette with my palm as it seared my skin. Feels nothing like dying by being drenched by the acidic liquid.

The girl now curiously leans her small frame as she stares at us, peering at our outer appearances with her apricot-colored eyes moving up and down as if she was an inspector evaluating the two of us as if we were suitable to accomplish this village's plea of help from the green bastards.

"Hm? You both look weird…"

I brushed off the rude remarks. After all, she was just a child.

"Is that so?"

What is a child doing in such a time of peril? Although it wasn't the end of the world, a horde of goblins certainly meant the end of a village. My time in this horrific world has proven that much.

"Ummm…" The young girl fidgets in her spot, tapping her forefingers together as she avoids our eye contact and develops a sudden interest in her shoes. Then, with each word she grows confident and certain for why she was out here. "I… was ummm… worried you would get lost so I'm here to guide you!"

* * *

"This town is too small to get lost in!"

I pitifully stare at the retreating form of the sobbing girl as she rushed back towards her room as the abbess scolded the girl for going outside without her permission again. The child runs back to her friends to seek comfort from the manager of this holy house. A house where a servant of God tends to look after these parentless children on a small knoll.

No matter wherever it is, places like these needed more support. Children are obliged to laugh throughout their childhood, an innocent smile stretching their chubby little cheeks as wide as they can.

…

Especially those with no adults to guide them to pursue their happiness are in immediate help, like that child that guided us to this place. Like those children who are staring at the two of us fidgeting and giggling to themselves.

There is a need to guide them, but that guidance has no meaning if they are for the dead. First, they need to live to be guided, and that very fundamental aspect is being threatened at this very moment. This mission was no hobby nor was it any form of recreation. This mission is an obligation that needs to be done.

Back then, I had to be selfish and turn my back on those who needed help to sustain their lives. I had a life on my own, and I had people who I cared that needed my support. But now… this feels like as if I'm inside an arcade room, in front of a blazing screen with an unlimited amount of coins in my stack. Endless continues, endless retries. With nobody to care about, with nobody to be saddened by my death…

…

…

…

_**But now, I could help them with nothing to lose. And I shall continue until I stop living.**_

…

…

…

Can I stop living?'

* * *

I can feel the villagers whispering and gossiping to themselves. After all, smart guy and I were a pair of oddball adventurers. Him being covered with armor are not very talkative and me being a creepy looking man who looks like a necromancer's familiar, pale and dead.

I stare curiously at my companion as he started to ask the villagers some questions. Then as the man gave some coins to a villager to buy him some materials I butted in asking him what we were dealing with.

"Wanderers" Spoke the man getting straight to the point. "Goblins that are chased from their homes for numerous reasons. They are here for a new home, establishing it in this village which will provide them food to give them strength, and women to debauch to replenish their numbers"

I wondered and spoke my thoughts to the man, asking if he had a plan.

"Yes," He answers curtly. _**"We kill every Goblin"**_

…

With a click, I lit my next cigarette. Sounds good to me.

* * *

It feels like home, sitting with my grandmother, and mother as we would sometimes get rid of the organs from dried fish, or fermenting some other vegetables or meat. This time, I was with a stranger I met today as we were sharpening the long wooden scrap woods into sharp long stakes. With my weapons not well suited for sharpening and him not wanting to risk his weapons getting dull we had to borrow carpentry tools. We also got some leftover fencing materials.

Sitting at the top of a hill far from the mountains—to hide from the sight of goblins, who my companion was positive that they were in the forest behind the village—we did our job of carpentry.

While doing our job, the red-haired child came again and stayed with us, peering over our shoulders, flopping on her stomach with her hands supporting her face, or sometimes sitting between us and twisting her head side to side. But after taking a whiff of the smoke that permeated my clothes she pinched her nose as she stuck out her tongue indicating that it stank as she leaned towards my companion. But before she got into a more comfortable position, I pointed towards the distant figure that was getting closer and larger by the second. Her clothes indicated that she was the abbess, probably out here to take the little girl back to the orphanage.

"Yipes!" Yelped the girl as she ran for her life. The abbess came up, out of breath and decided to rest for a bit and check on the two of us too.

"I'm so sorry…" She said catching her breath. "I told her not to bother the two of you…"

Both my companion and I denied that the girl was in our way of work. I even told her that I found her existence to be pleasant and the aged woman sighed in relief. Then, my companion started to ask more questions to the abbess, suddenly standing up. After a few minutes of questioning, my companion located the crop storage house that was made out of stone, but not well built. After the abbess left we hauled our woodwork and set off to finish making the fences. Then the companion told me what he was thinking.

"That place would most certainly be the goblin's main target" He spoke as we trudged along side by side. "The one place we must keep them away from"

I thought for a while, then looked back at my companion. I'll think of something for them. We went into the house of God and started to work on attaching the stakes.

We could've hired some other folks, but my companion left them to other tasks of digging the irrigations deeper and wider so that it was capable of drowning a child and create great difficulty for one to get across. Then, the villagers would spend the rest of their time harvesting their crops and have a nice happy, small but merry festival to provoke the goblins to come and invade their lands, which my companion and I would be waiting for them.

Goblins were naturally nasty creatures who resented others from being happy. They were filthy, filled with jealousy and hatred that urged them to ransack and defile the people filled with joy and love; hence, the festival was taking place.

We kept on carving and plotting, coming up with more ideas to exterminate every last one of them. Hopefully, they wouldn't realize the difference in the village.

* * *

Behind our backs, parentless children were watching us with deep curiosity, their big wide eyes staring at us as they loudly whispered amongst themselves, thinking that we couldn't hear them speak.

How cute. I could even hear their lips moving.

With a quick turn, one of my eyes met several of theirs as a wicked malevolent red flashed at them. They squealed with terror and retreated hastily back to where they were as I turned my head back and focused on my work.

Not too wide with the crossbeams, he said. Not too wide or else the goblins would slip right through them. But not too narrow too. Too narrow and the goblins would climb them like a ladder. We tried our best, and with two men doing this, we managed to finish our job before sunset as the two of us stared into the beautiful sky, turning dark as it would soon shine two moons.

"The sunset is red and dark…" Muttered my companion as we carried our fences. "It will rain soon"

I wondered how he knew that.

"My sister told me"

Must've been a great sister.

"She was"

I spoke no more of his dear family member, knowing quite well what must have happened to her. Unpleasant events are not worth talking about unless the one who went through We trudged to where the irrigation was and at there, we satisfied our throats from thirst. My companion filled his leather sack with water and I just sip it directly from the irrigation, we met one of the farmers who was taking a rest from the harvest. I asked him how the harvest was going.

"We'll be done by tomorrow" Then the farmer looked a bit more forlorn as he seemed to recall his past. "It's better'n five years ago y'know? When monsters trampled our fields, destroyed our homes…"

"I know"

I didn't, but I didn't say that out loud.

"You two would! You're adventurers" Laughed the old farmer, but then he once again developed that sense of sadness around him as the last beams of sunlight glazed our eyes. "Back then… only the villages that adventurers went to survived…"

…

…

…

"We'll do what we can"

Sure we would.

* * *

"We did what we could" Spoke my companion the next day as he stared at the defenses he had put up with me. "Thank you for your assistance"

I shook my head digging the ground with a shovel that I borrowed from the villagers, setting up my trap. Everything that we had done was all of his ideas after all. Even with my unique gruesome abilities, there was a high chance of a few goblins escaping if I were to face them alone.

My companion kicked one of the fences, creating an obvious gap between them as he stared towards the mountains where the wanderers were at.

"Now…" He spoke staring into the mountains. "We wait"

Then he turned his head to me.

"But what are you doing?"

I stood up and answered his question.

* * *

The goblins came and lo and behold it rained, true to my companion's words. They came as the scout led them to the place where it should've been a plain open field, but now there was a fence that thwarted the goblins from plundering the villager's lands. The scout paid dearly for his wronged information as he was beaten to death by his members.

The green bastards now try the irrigations as one of them foolishly jumped into the water. The pikes that were installed pierced him to death. The others laughed at his stupid death until another shouted out as he found the gap in the fence. They are coming closer… closer… closer… They slowly, one by one, go through the fence with a vile smile stretched upon their faces… as th—

Then he attacked. My companion attacked, jumping out of the bushes as he slammed one with his torch, sending the worthless creature tumbling onto the wet ground. Without hesitation, my companion rushed towards the stunned goblin and drove his shortsword deep into his head. With this dramatic entrance, the armored man successfully stopped the goblins for a brief moment as they too were stunned by his sudden appearance. But soon, they charged right at him, howling gibberish.

The first in line was the first to die as the shortsword, being even longer than the goblin's arm, pierced his neck, but the goblins were fast and true to his words they weren't geniuses, but at the same time, they weren't idiots. They surrounded him in an instant, but he never let go of his control over the situation as he put up his shield, intercepting a goblin that was charging right at him. Then, he immediately swung his sword in a long arc, managing to slice a goblin's stomach that jumped up at him, but it was too shallow.

Thankfully, he didn't panic. Next, he killed the one latched onto his shield with a thrusting strike.

…

…

…

**My turn.**

I began to realize one of my flaws in this little ambush the moment that the young red-haired girl came between my companion and me. She choked on the foul smell. Smell. Scent. Although it was raining, I couldn't leave that factor untouched, which had the potential of ruining our ambush so I had to come up with a way to stop the stench from reaching the goblins' noses.

Thus I came up with an idea to be buried in dirt, just a few feet away from the outside of the fence. My companion also stated that it wasn't a bad idea.

As it rained, I went into the hole that I had dug. It was comfortable since the ground was soft, but it felt dirty, thanks to the rain. Then, when I was in, I asked my companion to cover me with the soil, enough so that the rain wouldn't wash it away to reveal my vulnerable self. He did as I complied and I laid down in the dirt, my head propped up as I witnessed everything with a single eyeball, calmly watching the scene unfolding in front of me. Now…

…

I stood up like a zombie. With the strength of an A-Class Hero, shoving off the dirt was an easy task as slowly made my way to the goblins that were solely focusing on the man that was slaughtering their kin.

I raised my ax and brought it down. The goblin in the rear had his head smashed like a watermelon as the axe crunched the bone and brains, and the timing was good too. The moment the goblin's head cracked open was also the moment when thunder rang. Nobody noticed this goblin's death. I raised my ax again and brought it down. This time they noticed me as they screeched in surprise as my left hand lashed out and grabbed one of their heads. Strength of an A-class hero… they truly are strong. With immense pressure I applied on my hands, the goblin's head shattered.

Now, all of them are truly panicking. Beyond the fence in the land of the humans was that goblin obsessed man who killed every stinking goblin, and right behind them was me, a strange-looking thing who just performed extreme strength.

A few decided to flee, but they can never outrun me. After all, I doubt they could outrun a bullet.

_**BANG**_

They couldn't as they were peppered with bullets. If the bullets were small, I would've commented that they would look like beehives, but these weren't normal bullets. They were bullets that the Hero Association made for Zombieman, an S-Class Hero. One bullet tore a goblin into two…

…

I must limit my use of these handguns for I could easily harm a comrade or a bystander with these dangerous materials. Unless I'm 100% sure there isn't anybody around, I won't be using these… and I certainly WON'T use these red marked magazines… I tried to use them once in an isolated area and found out that these were only for extremely high-level monsters.

_**Thunk**_

I feel blood trickling down the side of my head. I whipped my head and stared coldly at the goblin who just shot me in the head. Without more to say, with ease, I pulled out the arrow from my head thanks to my skull protecting the tip from entering the brain. But before I could do anything, a small ax flew and landed with a thunk on the goblin's head, killing it instantly.

I stared at the man who was panting heavily as he made his way through the fence and he fell on his fours as I immediately rushed to help him. As he tried to take his helmet off, I did it for him, allowing me the access to see his young face and dead eyes. He throws up having trouble to breathe and I try my best to soothe him by patting his back, allowing the contents to spill on the ground.

"I'm fine…" He croaked, reaching for his helmet. "I'm fine… How many did you kill…?"

Sixteen. I'm positive I killed sixteen. I was counting the numbers of them as he asked me to.

"I killed eight…" He growled, putting his helmet on and strapping it firmly on his head. "So… twenty-four…"

Then, he stood rigid, his eyes rolling across the dead bodies, inspecting every single one of them.

"Twenty… four?"

He sounds uncertain and I wondered what had happened to him. Then, when he suddenly picked up the goblin's spear and hurtled it towards the irrigation, I saw what happened.

The goblin scout who I presumed dead by the others was still alive and somehow made its way across the irrigation, probably using the dead goblin as a stepping stone. The spear tore its head as the force knocked out one of its eyeballs as they landed with a sickening squelch.

"Twenty… five" My companion breathed heavily as the rain beat down on us as lightning flashed once more. Then, he stumbled and I caught him. He was exhausted for sure. Even when he skillfully dealt with those who managed to get inside, they somehow had him injured as I could feel his muscles scream in agony.

"We've… slain all goblins…" Huffed my companion as I hoisted him up and giving him a piggyback ride.

I know. I know and get some sleep. You were lacking that since yesterday.

"I… suppose so…"

With that happy note, I went to the orphanage once again and was greeted with the red-haired girl, with a broom tightly gripping the handle. But why was she here when the night is dangerous and full of terrors?

"I-I had to at least see who was out there knocking!"

That, dear innocent child, is your headmistress's duty, not yours. Is she informed of your actions at this very moment? However, she smartly avoided this question entirely.

"Did you beat up the goblins?" She asked, jumping up and down as she opened the door wide enough for me to go inside. Well… yes. Yes, we did. We killed them with no casualties thanks to him. The young girl sniffed again like a young pup and made a grotesque face once again. Was it the smoke or was it the stench of mud, blood, and other substances? But first thing is first. Does the abbess have any medicine or healing miracles?

"Hmmm… no. Headmistress doesn't have any miracles…" Spoke the child sadly. Sad believing that she wasn't able to help either one of us. What a kind, pure soul this girl had. Then she spoke again with her innocent voice. "How about you two rest? Or… would you two like to go home?"

Home… I may not have such a thing, but perhaps…

I glanced at the sleeping companion. Maybe… just maybe this man has somebody waiting for him. After all, I needed somebody to treat his beaten up body and it seems like I couldn't get that help from anywhere here.

Well then… home it is.

"Umm… well… Thank you!"

The girl called out and with a simple thumbs-up, I answered her back, walking through the rain, carrying the companion of mine back to where we started from. Our job was done, but never finished, I trudged towards the Adventurers' Guild as the night went flying by. Dawn broke as tiny rays of sunlight shone on my face as the clouds cleared, leaving the sky bright blue with white cotton puffs floating around. It was a long walk that took many hours but being a man with unlimited stamina, it was no problem.

As I went near the city, I saw the Temple of the Earth Mother and many adventurers going in and out. Then, from the little talks made by the surrounding people, I got the gist of what was going on. The people of the sanctuary temporary turned the temple into an impromptu hospital for the adventurers who just came back from a Rockeater extermination mission. I kicked open the door and called out for a medic. Immediately, a young girl in her early teens came rushing towards us, but abruptly stopped and fidgeted adorably not knowing exactly what to do.

All I needed was a place for him to rest. She smiled brightly, then led us towards a place.

"Umm… Were you two also battling the centipede?"

No. We were off hunting goblins.

"O-oh I see… Umm… but are you alright…? You have… dried blood on your head…"

Hm? Oh. She shouldn't be worried. I heal pretty fast, but she didn't need to know that. All she had to do was to patch him up.

"Covered in blood and mud… I must clean him up and administer first aid. Please wait here!" Then the girl dashed off to help him and I sat down for a bit, my fingers reaching for smoke, then stopping abruptly after realizing that this was a place where such actions were probably not very welcomed. Then, I stood up, knowing that he was in safe hands and proceeded to part ways with him. Someday I will meet him again and probably we would go on a goblin slaying mission together. He was a good fellow, silent and straightforward. A man of focus and intelligence. A man that was likable to somebody like me…

Entering the Guild once again, I walked up to the Guild Girl and told her about the success. She seemed startled at the sight of dried blood on my head but quickly dismissed it as she saw no wound on my head. She paid me my share and left half for the man who was resting in the Temple of Earth Mother and immediately, I went for the next quest on the board. Since I was a Porcelain rank, I couldn't do high-level quests so I had to settle with rats in the sewers. I mean… how bad could they be?

* * *

**(2 hours later)**

* * *

_"**SKREEEE—"**_

A swing of an ax brought silence to the last fucking rat. Now I know the feeling of what it feels like to be annoyed by sweat instead of blood. Even with skill, I lacked experience so this was an important job. Somehow, these bastards got big and bad due to the toxic chemicals in the sewers. Even in our world, shit didn't make rats or bugs into big fuckers. Just what in the world were these city people dumping into their water system?

This quest was a simple neverending quest and the pay differed from how much you slaughtered. Today, I just wandered around the sewers then, getting fed up that only a few rats showed up, I used one of my machetes to create loud noises that banged and clanged on the stone walls of the sewers. Soon they came and to be honest I was surprised at how they charged at me but comparing them to what I faced when I first came here…

…

They were a bunch of flies. I kept on killing and kept on finding more of those disgusting creatures and before I knew it, the kill count went past a hundred and now it was at 122. I was not feeling bad, but this sweat! That one thing was making things more irritable and annoying to m—

*_skritch*_

_*skritch*_

Oh for fuck's sake, what now? I grumbled to myself as I threw the cigarette I have bee smoking onto the ground and stamping it out with my foot. Now… roaches? Giant Roaches? Other Porcelain rankers said that they were a big pain than those Giant Rats…

…

Eh, whatever… More money for me from the Government since they are the ones paying for the cleaners of the sewers.

Leaving the 122 bodies of Giant Rats behind, I brought out my handguns with extreme laziness. I practiced using the ax and the machetes enough. And I don't plan on wasting a few more hours on these bastards using the same weapon.

_**BANG**_

No. No, I don't intend to do so.

_**BANG**_

_**BANG**_

_**BANG**_

_**BANG**_

But there is a problem.

_**BANG**_

_**BANG**_

_**BANG**_

_**BANG**_

This is way too easy. Suddenly, I can finally see just how scary our modern world is, even when the world I came from didn't had this much technology... But then again, we were bound to catch up sooner or later.

* * *

"Welcome back sir. Did y— OH MY LORD!"

The Guild Girl screams and half of the Adventurers and clients turned their attention towards me and gasped in shock and disgust. They had the right to do so for I didn't even take a dip in the water to get rid of the new fluids that covered my whole body. Fucking damnit. I forgot to keep my limited ammo in check, which resulted in me using my machetes to kill every single one of the bugs that tried to tears me into pieces. Caked with blood and bug juice I calmly walked into the guild, smoking the last cigarette for the day. In summary, I looked like shit and felt like shit. To others, it was as if I went through hell and came back.

"Are you hurt? Are you in pain? Medic! Healers! We—"

I tried to calm her down without touching her. I was fine. There was no need for medics or healers. I only needed money, some food, and a bed to rest. Nothing more.

"I-I see… Sorry for that sir. I was worried about your wellbeing. Now, just how many did you exterminate in the sewers?"

The Guild Girl after calming down sat back down on her chair and picked up her quill to record my actions. When she was ready and stable, I told her what I did.

The Guild Girl shook her head in exasperation, obviously having trouble believing my words and when she asked me to state the truth I told her what I've already told her. The truth that is so absurd that a single Porcelain rank Adventurer could kill so many creatures, without sustaining any injuries. Now, it looks like the Guild Girl is quite upset as the Inspector came down to see what the commotion was about. After the two had a brief conversation definitely regarding me, the Inspector, with eyes filled with suspicion stared at me directly into my eye and asked me to tell the truth one more time. She added that this was my last chance before they revoked my license as an Adventurer.

I told them the truth and the Inspector's eyes widened in shock.

"Wait… he's… he's telling the truth?"

"N-no way… Just… just who are you?!"

I stared at the Guild Girl and the Inspector who were slowly backing up as the whispers around me started to gradually grow larger and larger. They were stunned, curious, anxious of who this novice adventurer was

Me?

…

…

…

…

…

_**I'm just a dead man walking.**_

* * *

**I know, I know. West Door made another story. He didn't update any of his original shit. People, I have a family of bunnies in my head. ****More plot bunnies, more bunnying, and ultimately more bunnies.**

**... shit.**

**Don't worry, though, I'll focus on what I have to update for the moment...**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**Or am I~?**

**Reviews, Favs, Follows are LOVE~!**


	2. Muscle Fetish?

**Creus: Thank you so much!**

**thomas the tank engine: Here's more!**

**Wrath5151: It will be interesting alright. There would be more element of OPM in future chapters.**

**NecrorexSparda Juubi-No-Kishin: Your prayers have been answered!**

**Ronmr: Thank you for your compliment!**

**Guest 1: .SEY**

**Val'hor: Thank you for your support. I shall endeavor to continue.**

**i4md347h: We've got to love and need Zombieman more... He's my top favorite S-Ranked heroes along with Drive Knight and Pig God.**

**ShinRainhawk: No, no, no. Not Zombie Man. It's Zombieman.**

**OnePunchPlayer: ...? Tell me why they are doomed? *_very confused expression_***

**I do not own One Punch Man or Goblin Slayer. One Punch Man strictly belongs to ONE and Goblin Slayer belongs strictly to Kagyu Kumo. I just happen to own the OCs.**

* * *

Later, I proved them my abilities by shooting myself in the head in a private room with the Senior Receptionist and the Inspector, as the two ladies witnessed the terrible sight of gore. They were certainly not pleased and they had forced me to clean up the mess I had made. The sight of my brain wasn't a nice sight, and neither were the two women who had blood and gore all splattered on them. The Senior Receptionist, unfortunately, had one of my eyeballs landing on her lap, which explains her absolute contempt towards me.

…

At least they instantly promoted me to the Ruby Rank after countless hours of debating and immense consideration from the guild itself.

But from time to time, when I meet either the Senior Receptionist or the Inspector, I couldn't help but tip my head in an apologetic matter as they would pout and turn their head away in another direction. Although they have somewhat forgiven me for my radical actions that went too overboard, their eyes told me that there would be serious consequences if I were to do that in front of their faces once again.

Instead, I displeased them in a different way from then. I would take on high-level quests from the board and come back, drenched in a liquid mixed with my blood and those of my enemies.

As for the other Adventurers, the word of my deeds took flight as rumors became more exaggerated and more outrageous. They also gave me a moniker after that day I came back from the sewers. Surprisingly, they now called me the Zombieman: the Undying Adventurer. This was obviously no coincidence. Fate was probably the one to blame them calling me the name that belonged to the #8 S-Rank Hero. Up above, I could bet that those Gods were having the time of their lives, using us as chess pieces as they roll the dice to see who dies and who lives. Speaking of monikers and nicknames, my very first companion got one for himself too. The Goblin Slayer: the one who slays goblins. A suitable moniker for someone so obsessed with those green bastards. Every time I go on a goblin hunting quest with him, the more I realize how these monsters should be exterminated from this beautiful planet.

Such beings of hate and vile intentions have no home to stay in a place where I'm going to live in.

Yes. I do frequently go on goblin slaying quests with the Goblin Slayer anytime when I happen to meet him in the Adventurers' Guild. After all, he was someone I highly respected and considered as a friend. But did he consider me as a friend? Maybe, but not quite. I was probably just an acquaintance to him, but he always did ask me for permission to use my body after he learned that I can't be quite killed and asked if I was alright after the ordeal was finished.

I had worse. That's what I would say to him as I would crush a goblin's neck under my boot.

Souka. That's how he would answer as he would slit a goblin's throat with the goblin's own blade.

In the Adventurers' Guild, I often saw some familiar faces. The Young Warrior that was currently going solo, the Spearman and the Witch(such an interesting relationship they had… the Spearman was clearly head over heels for the Guild Girl, but cannot notice how the Witch herself was head over heels for him… such a tragedy), the Heavy Warrior and his companions: the Female Knight, the Druid Girl, the Scout Boy, and the Half-Elf Fighter. And that woman I met on the first day in the guild, who I later learned was the Amazon Warrior. Her large frame, boisterous laugh, and fervid enthusiasm was something that was pleasant to see. She was strong too, already climbing up the ranks as she was already a Steel Rank Adventurer.

But Goblin Slayer was still in Obsidian, but I was hoping that that would change soon enough.

"Zombieman"

Oh… I feel sorry for him. I must have lost my focus for an instant.

"It's alright" He spoke grabbing the dead goblin's spear and tucking it into his side. "There's never the harm of carrying an abundant amount of weapons… Unless they become a burden"

Before I could reply, a scream of pain and despair came, cutting through my thoughts as the noise rebounded throughout the stone walls, echoing from the depths of the den. Kidnapped women…

…

**No matter how much I hear it, the anger is always new.**

Before entering their home, I began to pry open the dead goblin's stomach as blood began to pool in its gaping hole in his belly. Then with that blood, I washed my body, covering the stench of smoke with this filthy fluid. Sometimes, I wonder if I should quit smoking all because of this shit I have to go through before I start slaying goblins. Following the Goblin Slayer, we went in deep until he pulled out a hand to signal me to stop. Then, he gave me room to see what was going inside the room.

A goblin heated up a pole and used it to burn a woman's backside as they were raping them… treating them as livestock…

…

**We will kill them.**

One hob and four normal goblins… Judging by the Level Tags dangling from his neck, the hobgoblin was their leader. Also, no totems were seen indicating that there were no goblin shamans around, which proved my assumption that that big fat(soon to be dead) goblin was indeed the leader of this degenerate pack. Thankfully, neither of us could see an archer, which meant this job was going to be easier than it would be. For something like this, a sneak attack should be an ideal move. An ambush to take out that hobgoblin is our best move, but we had to be extra careful for there were the kidnapped women in the midst of those goblins' sick pleasures.

My lips tugged upwards when I saw the Goblin Slayer suddenly climbing up the rock wall that had many cracks in it and I proceeded to follow him up.

And down we came, causing havoc and slaying goblins.

* * *

I tried to comfort them. But most of their mind and will were broken beyond what I was capable of doing. Their eyes shone with lifelessness as their bodies had already developed a habit of flinching whenever a physical contact was made.

They had to be taken by the Temple for a full recovery for the priests and priestesses would know better what to do. But in the meantime… what was Goblin Slayer doing?

"Searching for their nest" He spoke curtly. "I cannot risk a few goblins getting away"

Then after a while, he suddenly stood up holding something small in his fingers. I wondered what he just found.

"A ring" He spoke as in a matter of fact. "I have no idea what this is"

I stared at it with curiosity and shrugged my shoulders for even I had no clue what this ring could do. For certain, it was a magical item for it shone with seemingly undying light that sparkled from the smooth surface.

A magical item… huh. I happen to know somebody who might have knowledge of this item.

"If it's ability is too good" Spoke the Goblin Slayer as he pocketed the ring. "You can have it. I can't risk such an item to be stolen by goblins"

Such a you thing to say Goblin Slayer.

"Souka"

* * *

Unfortunately, I had to part ways with the Goblin Slayer after I introduced him to the Witch; a woman with such a sinful body and a seductive voice. Fortunately, Goblin Slayer was somebody who would rather focus on a living goblin than a woman, stripped naked, left hand cupping her breast, right spreading her folds while she moans obscure language to try and seduce the man. Sometimes, if it weren't for his outright expression of hatred towards those goblins, one might mistake the Goblin Slayer for being in love with those green-skinned pests.

Ignoring the thoughts of my dear friend I stared up at the quests that were plastered on the board. Then, I began to realize that there was somebody very near me doing the same. The only difference between our actions was that I was staring slightly _up_ at the quests while the stranger was staring _down_ at the quest board. Just how tall were they?

…

…

…

A woman?

"Oh! It's you!"

_Our eyes met for a brief moment, vibrant blood red of mine clashing with rich dark golden of hers._

There it was once again. The rich color of gold shining down at me as my eyes wandered on her outstanding abs, tanned and exposed for everybody to see.

"We registered on the same day don't you remember?"

Yes. I remember quite well. The memory of your beautiful eyes remains quite prominent in my mind.

The large woman laughed with a wide smile filled with pleasure and warmth. "What flattery I hear from somebody so dashing as yourself. I thought your title was the Zombieman, not the Casanova"

I tend to be quite straightforward. Besides, there is nothing wrong with stating a simple fact. My comments seemed to please the large woman as her face brightened up. Then she held out her hand indicating me to take it and shake it.

"Amazon Warrior. That is who I am"

Zombieman… just as you said. Then, without words, we glanced back at the board and slowly, but clearly our eyes were trained on a specific quest sheet. Our eyes met again, me staring up and her staring down. Then she grinned once again as she gave me a quick wink.

"Mind forming a temporal party with me? I sure am strong, but being sneaky isn't my strongest suit"

…

The more the merrier. Sure why not. Besides, those abs were as hot as fuck.

* * *

Bandits. Fucking bandits.

I had my own stories with many notorious groups. Mostly I was successful, but there was one group of bandits that got me good. Apparently they had a spellcaster who detected my presence before I launched my sneak attack on them. Problem was, they never imagined an Adventurer could still move around with over 20 arrows embedded in his chest while his head was burning.

Zombieman wasn't a decent fighter. It is true that he may be a melee fighter due to his diabolical ability he gained from the House Of Revolution, but he himself admitted that he was more suitable to tasks that required stealth, such as tailing, scouting, infiltrating, or surveying a toxic area. These skills of the S-Class Hero somehow transferred straight to me as I too found out that I was talented in stalking and tracking things down and disabling traps.

That is the reason why I went first into the woods as a scout leaving the large woman to wait for my return. Although the Amazon Warrior was a formidable fighter by just looking at those muscles of hers, taking her with me was probably the stupidest move one could make, for taking such a large figure into the unknown would surely result in a bad end for her but not for me. There were only two traps that lay in front of us and I disabled them quite quickly and after securing where the watcher was, I quickly head back to my female companion. She was sitting on a dead tree, her hands resting on the handle of her ax as the large weapon was vertically on the ground. She seemed happy to see me as I made my way to her.

"Ah! You're back Zombieman! What did you find?"

Two traps. One watcher. Follow me. Silently. However, the Amazon Warrior had trouble doing that task as she noisily moved away from the branches and bushes that obscured her view and impeded her path. So I moved a bit faster as I told the Amazon Warrior to attack the bandits when I give the signal. She frowns.

"But that's not honorable at all! Sneaking upon those men? If we do that Zombieman, we'll be no different from them!"

No. There will be a significant difference. We will be breathing while they don't.

"I still don't like it…" Grumbled the large woman scratching her head as I stared at her with exasperation. "This isn't the way of an Amazon Zombieman. This is not a war, but simple pest control. I know you mean well, but this goes against the values that I hold to myself. I just don't wish to use these petty tactics on trash"

…

I sighed. This was an act of pure stupidity, but in a sense, I could relate to her. Values are what makes an individual an individual. It is the element that shows the accumulation of one's memories of their experiences, feelings, and so on, and that is essential to an individual and I wholeheartedly will accept such fact. But were those values worth her life?

Ignoring the conundrums of philosophical matters, I started to think about the practical situation. According to the quest sheet, these bandits didn't seem to be much of a threat considering what they had done. Thievery, manslaughter, and degrading rape. I stared at the woman, ignoring her frowning face and at her abs that looked hard as a diamond. Then I stared at my companion's weapon.

…

Even I may have some problems wielding that big-ass weapon, which she swings around so easily. Also considering that she has already climbed up the ranks to become a Steel Ranked Adventurer in a short span of time…

…

Eh. Sure why not. The Amazon Warrior wasn't quite likely to get harmed or even get a scratch in this bandit thwarting quest judging by her physique. Heck, this quest may be an overkill for the both of us.

So with a sigh, I gave a nod but told her that no matter what, we were never going to let anyone leaving.

After she gave a nod and heaved her ax with ease as she rushed towards the clearing, but at the very moment she spoke out loud to claim that she wasn't going to let anyone get away, I shot the watcher from far away, my gunshot echoing throughout the forest, instantly notifying the bandits of our presence.

The Amazon Warrior clearly did not like that move of mine as she shot me a dirty glare for I pretty much ruined her speech as the gunshot cut through her ongoing speech that only the first syllable was spoken. I gave her a lazy troll grin as I lifted up my smaller ax as I rushed in, following her lead.

Our difference in power was shown clearly as we exterminated the bandits. The Amazon Warrior's strikes and swings could easily topple a thick oak tree. She cleaved the bandits in half and sent the top part flying away by such force and one kick from her shattered their ribs into pieces. On the other hand, my cuts were quick and nimble, sometimes with concentrated strength to turn their body into a paste, but either than that, it was as if I was using my machete, at a slower speed, but with more damage.

…

Are they planning something? Of course, they are planning something.

A few bandits seemed to go into such a position to surround her and attack her in her blind spots at once. Luckily I had other ways to stop them from injuring my partner.

"Shank the bit—"

Before the bandit screamed out his orders to engage in the Amazon Warrior, a bullet tore through his head as most of his brains went flying away with the bullet. Other bullets also successfully killed or injured the others who were about to 'shank' the Amazon Warrior, but unfortunately, three bandits managed to survive and quite surprisingly they all charged instead of running away.

With two bandits in her vision, the Amazon Warrior easily defeated the two with a simple vertical swing and a punch, but the one in her blind spot managed to get up on her with his sword lunging and trying to pierce her, ready to leave a nasty scar on her backside and possibly damage her internal organs.

To bad that I intercepted his blade, with my left arm as the blade sank in through my palm and out of my shoulder.

"W-WHAT? YOU CRAZY ADVENTUR—"

He didn't get to say the next words as my ax chopped his head clean off.

…

Well… not _completely_ clean off because there were still parts of his jaw still intact, but his muscles seemed to be still alive as they kept his body still barely standing. Without more to say, I delivered a kick to his balls hard so that he went 3 feet up into the air.

_**FATALITY**_

Then, with a quick look around, I noticed that he was the last rat to be exterminated…

"Huh. Thanks for defending me Zombieman. I surely would've been injured if not for y— wait… y-you're…! There's a sword in your arm!"

Oh, gee, I didn't notice. Then I sighed as she was still staring thoroughly at the sword in my arm. I had worse lady. This amount of blood on my clothes is nothing…

"That's not the problem! That's not…! ...so it is true that you are immortal"

Not quite. There is technically a way to destroy me completely. I just happen to regenerate fast.

"But… doesn't it hurt Zombieman?"

… hurt? No. I stopped feeling that emotion after I…

_Screams, death, begging, tears, monster, monsters, monsters, monsters, monsters, monster, monsters, monsters, monsters, monsters, monster, monsters, monsters, monsters, monsters, monster, monsters, monsters, monsters, monsters, monster, monsters, monsters, monsters, monsters, monster, monsters, monsters, monsters, monsters…_

Yeah. That… _unpleasant_ memory. I said nothing to that question, but it seemed like my expression told her everything.

"I understand…"

No. You'll never understand. You can only die once. You've never felt what I've felt.

…

Of course, I didn't say that out loud. I certainly do not want to make an enemy out of a beautiful strong woman.

…

Do I have a muscle fetish?

* * *

_*gulp gulp gulp*_

How… how in the _fuck's _name is she not dead yet? She has to be poisoned by that large amount of alcohol. No person could survive drinking that strong shit from a barrel, not to mention that there are already 2 empty barrels of alcohol rolling about.

My blood-red eyes stare in disbelief with the duck meat halfway to my open mouth and the grip on my knife in my left hand was slowly loosening, for the gorgeous bulky woman in front of me was slowly showing her side of a drunkard.

"Ah! Now THAT'S refreshing!" She cried wiping the froth from the edges of her lips ungracefully as my mind went into a serious calculation of at which point should the Amazon Warrior die from poisoning. "But really, they make such weak drinks…"

Weak…? Even when I didn't put that toxic drink near my lips, the odor itself was enough to make my head dizzy and indicate that at least one needed to be a German/Irishmen/Russian to drink that shit without falling onto the ground dead drunk after one cup. Do Amazons have something… _stronger_ than this?

"Oh, you must meet my sisters!" Cried the woman joyfully. "Maybe I'll take you to see my sisters and my tribe! You are lean and don't really look strong and all, but I can guarantee you will be well-liked!"

Oh, gee. That definitely didn't hurt my feelings.

"Come on Zombieman! Have a drink!"

Oh, fuck no. I'm not having that poison kill me!

"You can't die~" She slurred as she took another gulp as she chugged that down. "Heck I saw just how fast you regenerated! Come on, as my companion, have a drink! It's rude to refuse your friend's wishes~"

Daga kotowaru!

"Blegh" She spat, her face turning a bit sour. "And here I thought you were a fun person"

Humor died with me Amazon Warrior, don't expect more from me.

"Hellooo~" The Padfoot Waitress happened to make way to our table, then she proceeded to give us the fondue as dessert. Thank small mercies that I had enough money to have some luxurious food… "Here's your pondue~"

…

Gosh, I wanted to rub those doggo ears. Can I?

"Of course not!" She snapped as she took a defensive stance as she growled showing her canines. "Do you have any idea how sensitive my ears are? And what on Goddess's name is a 'doggo'? I'm a padfoot! A padfoot!"

Yes, yes, you are a sweet cute doggo with fluffy ears. My words filled with malice intentions made the Padfoot Waitress blush and ultimately taking an offensive stance rather than her defensive stance, ready to strike down my hands that were already reaching towards her ears.

"I-I"m still not letting you touch them!" She cried her tail swishing about with nervousness as she later succumbed to my lustful stare as she retreated yapping like a pitiful puppy with her hands covering her steaming face.

…

Hehe… Hedonism at its best…

"That wasn't really nice you know?" Spoke the Amazon Warrior as my lecherous expression slipped away and was replaced by an emotionless one. I beg your pardon? Is it a crime to ask to pet a doggo?

"Stop calling the Padfoot Waitress a doggo! What is a doggo in the first place?"

An adorable ball of fluff that is supposed to get a huggo.

"... forget that I even asked Zombieman" Spoke the large woman as she chugged the other barrel down. "Eh… I guess I'll have to stop now… I'm getting a bit tipsy here"

Tipsy…? All of _fucking_ that is tipsy…?

…

Amazon women are scary. Women are scary. Death by snu snu is scary.

…

Where did the last one come from?

Sighing to myself, I proceeded to stand up and help the Amazon Warrior to her feet. Thank my A-rank physical strength that allowed me to carry all that muscle including her armor. Then, with her arm over my shoulder, we started to walk away from the bar as the Padfoot Waitress slowly poked her head out from her hiding place, as she gave a silent victory cheer from my retreating form.

"*_yawn_* The day sure passes quick doesn't it Zombieman?"

Yes. It sure does.

"Well then, I suppose I could walk you to your residence. Where do you sleep Zombieman?"

…

"Eh… speak a bit louder than that would you? I think that drink has degraded my hearing"

The forests.

"..."

…

"..."

…

"WHAT?!"

I closed my eyes as the toxic odor from her breath became nearer as the Amazon Warrior drew up close to stare at me with disbelief. She did it in such a manner that I heard a few bones in her neck cracking and my neck breaking by the sheer force she applied to her arms. When I opened my eyes, she was in front of me with both hands on my shoulders, and leaning downwards to meet me eye to eye, which only made the situation more intimidating as she breathing heavily like a grizzly bear ready slice you open and eat your liver. Was it something that I said?

"Something that you said? SOMETHING THAT YOU SAID?! You idiot!" Yelled the Amazon Warrior as she started to shake back and forth resulting me to break my neck again as she kept shaking me around. "Why would you sleep there? Don't you know there are beasts that would happily tear you apart and feast on your carcasses?"

Last time I checked, I taste like shit. No sane monster or beast would ever try to eat me up.

"That's not my point! Do you-do you even wash?"

The lake—

"How about your clothes? Do you even wash them?"

That's a… secret.

"So no bed? No nothing?"

The dirt is comfortable.

"That's it" She declared as she suddenly lifted me up, princess style. Normally I would have protested against such a humiliating action done to me, but considering all the shit I went through on my first day in this fucked up world, I didn't give two fucks whatsoever.

"I'm going to take you to my house"

…

Either that's abduction or a very good hentai plot.

"What's hentai?"

A concept that only men of culture would understand.

"You're weird, you know that?" Spoke the Amazon Warrior with a less loud tone as onlookers stared at our bizarre formation. Her condensed muscles wrapped around me protectively as the alcohol made my head dizzy. But will this be alright? We only have known each other for a day and—

"A day is enough for me to know that you are a 'good' person" Spoke the Amazon Warrior cutting the line of my thoughts. "You have 'kindness' and you have 'strength'. Such deeming qualities of being my husba— companion"

…

Did I just hear the word husb—

"Nay!" Shouted the bulky woman as she gripped me a bit tighter than before, slightly bending my arm the other direction. "It was… uh… just your imagination!"

…

I am thoroughly not convinced.

"Shut up before I kidnap you back to my home!"

I thought you were kidnapping me to your home…

"My other home Zombieman… My birthplace and my tribe… The place where I was trained with my sisters! Alas… the joy of adventuring has separated me from walking the path that my sisters took. The joy of wandering about has won over my duties to my friends and families… Sometimes…" Then, her boisterous voice lost its confidence and size as it became small enough to crawl into a nest of a rat. "Sometimes I regret my choice"

…

Too bad. You've made your own choice and whether you like it or not you will live, bearing the consequences of your actions. That is the 'responsibility' of your 'choice'.

"That's cold Zombieman" Sniffed the Amazon Warrior as her face turned a tad sour. "Very cold, but I see your reason and it is simply the truth… There is no turning back now…"

Silence.

A comfortable silence that brought no awkwardness came over us as I was carried to a place where I had no idea where it could be. Sure this was at the borderline of abduction, but I doubt she would do something rash. She was warm and I snuggled deeper into her arms… How could such hard, condensed muscles provide such comfort and relaxation? Was this the softness of a woman…? Was that statement sexist…? Was there even a concept of sexism in this society…? With such questions, my mind drifted off to blissful sleep, without even looking where the Amazon Warrior was taking me.

…

To trust her in such a short span of time… was I that lonely…? So lonely enough to easily fall into the temptation of friendship…

…

If that's the case, I hope this temptation will lead to a healthy benefit as I… will slowly… in the arms of this _big, muscular, and strong_ woman… _go… the fuck to sleep…_

…

_Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz_

"Sleep tight Zombieman… You have done well for today"

* * *

I can't find Goblin Slayer. He wasn't in the guild… Did he perhaps go on a quest to find out what that ring did? Was he having trouble? _Did… he didn't die right…?_

…

Was I seriously fussing over Goblin Slayer…? Was such… _action_ necessary?

…

Of course, it is natural that I should be worried about the Goblin Slayer. He's my friend after all.

"Oh. Goblin Slayer… left to see… someone I… told him… about…"

…

The emotion is frustration and confusion when somebody speaks like in the manner of this Witch in front of me. I wondered if her way of speaking could be more articulate.

"I'm… afraid… not~" She giggled. Fuck.

"Don't… worry… too much of… Goblin Slayer… He's… different from… other Adventurers"

I tilted my head to my right.

"He… knows… how to prepare… and survive. Unfortunately… that's… something I don't… see much…"

…

…

…

Is the Spearman calling the Witch?

"Oh… you are… correct… I… see… him… So… the Inspector really did… formed a… formal party with… *_blush_* him" Then she whipped her head to my direction with her red face noticing my playful smile with my dead eyes. "You… cannot… tell him about this…!"

…

I promise.

She composed herself and relaxed, coughing into her fist, still a bit flustered.

"Thank… you… We'll see… each other soon…"

I watch her go as I took my cigarette out. It was a shame this place didn't have a smoking room… If there was, I could've smoked in peace without having to bother anyone with this foul smoke… Goblin Slayer, just where in the world are you?

"ZOMBIEMAN!" A large call made me nearly dropped my cigarette, but I happened to fumble with the white stick as the large Amazon Warrior happily strode over to me. "There you are, my friend! Why did you leave in such a hurry? I was quite confused about where you may have gone from my guest room!"

I didn't want to cause any more trouble.

"Trouble? By staying in my humble house? Nonsense Zombieman! You are my party member as well as my roommate!"

…

Party member…? I suppose… yes. We are party members now are we not? Standing up, I started to look around once more again, searching for Goblin Slayer. Pity… if he was here, I might've created a formal party with him along with my new friend…

…

Shame. But we have time, and there is always a chance where we may cross paths once more. That said to myself, I wonder what's on today's quest board.

"Hmmm… Huh, a Red Bear happened to be sighted in this village over here" Spoke the Amazon Warrior with concern as she plucked the sheet and handing it to the shorter me as I received the paper, reading its contents. A bear hunt… Sure let's take this quest. It's got good pay and what could go wrong?

"Uhh… Don't you know what a Red Bear is Zombieman…? They can be quite ferocious…"

Eh, I had worse.

* * *

Okay… I know this looks quite gruesome, and I know I'm already regenerating already, but can you do me a favor and grab my legs over there…? Well… If that's hard, I just need the pants. Can't have my dong swinging around in the open…

I will be honest. I underestimated the bear's speed. One minute he was over there, 10 feet away from us and the next thing I notice is that he was gone, or should I say that he was out of my sight as my eyes were suddenly facing upwards as the bear delivered a 10 out of 10 uppercut with his claws ripping my throat out. The next thing I remembered was his hot wet breath engulfing my entire head as he began to chew on my skull. Great. Now I had fucking saliva in my hair. Amazon Warrior did a nice job as a dealer as she blinded one eye with her swing and I focused on my task on being the tanker, throwing myself whenever the Red Bear tried to land a successful hit on my partner.

The last thing I remember is when the bear did a fucking WWE move called the fireman's carry and tore me into half. But at least my blood and intestines blinded his remaining eye giving the Amazon Warrior the killing blow as the fucking Red Bear's head landed right next to my face with his tongue sticking out.

"I think… we…" Heaved the Amazon Warrior as she dragged my legs towards my regenerating torso. "Underestimated its speed too much"

Oh gee, I thought sarcastically as my hands grabbed my legs and tried to attach them to my waist. You _think?_ Then again, he kind of ambushed us… Thank luck that he went for me first.

"Oh yes. That I agree. If it were I to be targeted first, I couldn't have survived that… Red Bears are strong… Say, should we try this again sometime? It was pretty exciting!"

…

…

…

…

…

_**Oh hell yeah.**_

* * *

**Starting next chapter, canon would come kicking in along with a short time skip. Stay tuned for Zombieman and Amazon Warrior!**


	3. Am I Guilty?

**... I should work on my other fanfics tbh.**

**...**

**...**

**...**

**Meh, who cares?(casually ignores the angry mob who wants me to update other stories)**

**Anyways, REVIEW TIME! AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT!**

**Ronmr: Good to know you like them!**

**Guest 1: Oh no my dear reader. If it's a one-shot, I will say it's a one-shot.**

**Jajo Camello: They wanted visual proof... :D Zombieman showed them _visual_ proof indeed.**

**Guest 2: Oh, yes indeed. Fuck. _YES_.**

**NazgulBelserion: Don't worry so much. I'll try my best to finish what I've started.**

**Garou: Google will tell you who she is.**

* * *

Now, adventuring became my life as I began to travel with my party member, the Amazon Warrior. We hunted down Manticores, Red Bears, more Red Bears, Sapphire Lizards(they cost a lot per kill), Giant Spiders, and so on.

Each adventure came a bitter running away tactic, or a prize waiting at the end of it. But at the very end, she would laugh and give a large slap on my back, planting my face into the dirt. Oh sure, I could withstand the force she brings upon me, but I'm too lazy to do so. Besides, the dirt feels nice unless there's a stone in the way.

Now there she goes again, carrying me like her bride as she walks towards her home after a good drink. The Padfoot Waitress's resistance is falling fast and that shows just how much progress I had made. Good, good, I cannot wait to see the day where I am allowed to fondle her ears and tail as much I please.

…

Eh… why are you staring at me like that? I didn't do anything wrong!

"You…" Spoke the Amazon Warrior, her eyes narrowed. Drunk+Snu Snu is a bad combination mind you. It can easily get your neck broken and get your skull cracked like she is doing to me now. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

"Stop making that face you hear me?" Spoke the Amazon Warrior shaking my head a bit too fast as she slurred. "That face is hideous to look at…! It makes you seem as if you are some sort of pervert!"

According to NASA, more than half of the people are perverts so it's no shame to be a pervert. Just be what you are and have fun, but do not cross the line of becoming a beast at its lowest carnal desires.

"You have already fallen into debauchery!" Howled the anguished Amazon as she pulled me into a tighter headlock as she pouted, marching towards the front of her door and breaking my poor neck and skull once again. Then she whispered loudly, believing that her voice was low enough for me to not hear. But being drunk prevented logical decisions and thinking. "Seriously, what's so amazing about that Padfoot Waitress that makes you attracted to her?"

I am not dense if you are wondering. I know that there is a high probability of her having a 'thing' for me based on her body language and the glances she gives at me. But you can't tell for sure if she is really '_in'_ to me. Many it's just her hormones getting in the way of rational thinking or perhaps this certain body language is a courtesy of an Amazoness. You can't be sure.

Then there are those mumbles that indicate that she likes me such as jealousy for the Doggo Waitress or complimenting on how my face was nice to watch at. But you can't tell for sure if she is really '_in'_ to me. She could just be delirious from being drunk. You can't be sure.

Well, there was that groping she did to me that happens after she gets drunk, which was done under my consent, as I remained silent enjoying it. But you can't tell for sure if she is really 'in' to me. She could just mistake the feeling of my butt as a pillow, after all she was drunk and couldn't see. After all, she did comment that she likes soft things. So yeah, you can't be quite sure.

But I wouldn't mind being with a woman like her.

…

Talking about relationships, let me go back to Goblin Slayer, the most realistic and the most focused person I have seen in my life.

He was a survivor who survived the mortality rate of Adventurers and made it to Silver just by hunting goblins.

…

As for me I got Silver too, but many are considering that I deserved higher than that. But no. I do not wish to become an adventurer that is bound by '_duties'_ of defeating '_evil'_. I simply wished to live as a true '_hedonist'_, having the most '_fun'_ and '_happiness'_ as much as I can.

…

…

…

And I still hadn't had sex.

"Huh… a Lich was sighted?"

I craned my neck up to see where the Amazon Warrior was pointing and squinted, seeing the dangerous request that was pinned on the board.

"Are we up for a Lich, Zombieman?"

For years, I have gained experience of fighting. For years, I have fought for my life although I am convinced that it is unkillable. My once soft hands became rough despite my regeneration abilities, the edges of my toned body became more prominent, and overall I became better at fighting in general.

So has the Amazon Warrior, but she improved way more than me while our adventures. Also, I may have taught her some of the wrestling moves that I couldn't possibly pull off on a large monster with my small body frame. I am beginning to regret making that decision.

"Oh ho ho" Chortled the Amazon Warrior, puffing up her chest with pride. "So you are commenting that I am strong enough to fight a Lich?"

We had worse during our adventures where we faced more extreme creatures. But when it came to magic wielding fiends… This would be our first time. Sure we had a fair share of magical beasts to deal with, but none of them were a dangerous being because of their magic. They were terrifying creatures, but their strength came from their large body and their thick skin. This would be the first time we would be fighting a creature that is feared for its magic. It would be wise to be prepared at all cost.

"Spoilsport!" Said the Amazon Warrior as she snatched the paper. "Do you have to down my joy of fighting by preparing and being stoic every single time we go on for an adventure?"

Staying cool-headed helps us survive. Sometimes, emotions are needed at some point in a battlefield, but having any shred of emotion wavers rational thoughts, which leads to having my torso cleaved into two as the Amazon Warrior would continue her rampage upon the fucking monkeys who threw their shit on her.

She still regrets that she didn't listen to my tactic of burning down the area after I scouted the area. Instead, she was showered with shit, a fetish that was too extreme for me.

"W-we agreed never to talk about that incident!"

A stare was all that was given to the muscular woman.

"F-fine… I'll be more practical next time…"

Good girl.

"What did you just call me?"

Fuck.

* * *

Apparently, she doesn't like to be called a 'girl' for cultural reasons. In her life as an Amazoness, she had lived with her sisters as they grew up together, growing strong and independent, hunting in the wild and learning how to recognize danger from the elders. She fought, she trained, she hunted, and she learned every day and every night. She cried, she bled, and she sweat to become a respectful individual who earned her respect and her tribe did give her the respect she deserved.

Amazon Warrior achieved her title as a Warrior, as a full-fledged woman who had grown to be respected as such and calling such a prideful warrior a 'girl' in a mocking sense would most certainly evoke anger from her. By calling her a 'girl' I am essentially dismissing all of her hardships she had to face in achieving the title of a 'woman' and even unacknowledging the title she had 'claimed'.

I was indeed wrong to sarcastically call her a _girl _and I apologized sincerely, since she had already told me how offensive it was to simply call her a 'girl' a few days ago when I called her like that. But I do believe that it is quite unreasonable to attempt and chop off one of my appendages just because I forgot.

"I said I was sorry!" Whined the Amazon Warrior as we made our way towards the cave where we presumed the Lich was held. "I had a lot on my mind on that day! I had to release the stress somehow!"

The Amazon Warrior drinks almost regularly every night and comes home a bit tipsy. Her logic is that she is stressed from having a slight headache due to the drink she had last night, and if I ask her why she drinks at night, she replies that she needed to get rid of the stress that she accumulated during adventures and stuff. She greatly reminded me of the drunken fool from _The Little Prince_, written by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. The drunk fool keeps on drinking, continuing the cycle of foolishness that he is unable to break out. Such a stupid bafoon in the novel clearly reminds me of a very certain _someone…_

"M-mean! That's too mean Zombieman!" Cried the Amazon Warrior, clearly looking visibly hurt. "Look, I am really sorry okay? So can we please not talk about it until we get there? Please?"

But we are already there. It's just right over there, right below us.

Currently, we were on the high ground on a cliff and right down below was the cave where the information came that a Lich was at.

"O-oh. It seems so"

Staring at the darkness that was shining in the cave, I squinted to see two goblin guards dozing off on duty along with a sleeping with a grown wolf. I should go and check…

"Be safe…"

Duh.

Quickly moving towards the cave, I quickly noticed that there were no traps on the ground. Up till now, the goblins never placed any kinds of boobytraps infront of their lair. Probably because they were too stupid to even remember their own traps that they made, but unfortunately they weren't that much of an idiot.

**THUNK**

The axe pierced the wolf's head, cracking its skull and entering the brain, killing it instantly, and while the two immediately noticed their pet's deceased form, they didn't had the time to comprehend the fact that they were under attack as two machetes completely went through their heads, starting from one ear and coming out in the other ear. Beckoning the Amazon Warrior to follow, I waited for her the large woman to come where I was standing. Thankfully, the cave was large enough for my companion to fit her body through and swing her own large axe with ease.

…

…

…

Well… but it's too dark and that's a hell of a disadvantage to us since those bastards have night vision. I wasn't quite worried about myself, but Amazon Warrior… There were so many unprotected spots on her body, not that I was complaining, but still… Small creatures like goblins can harm her and poison her if we weren't lucky enough.

…

…

…

Then there's the problem with her scent… Although I could mask the scent of her sweat using the two dead goblins, I have a feeling that my relationship with Amazon Warrior would drastically decrease and would take a lot of time and a lot of broken bones and internal bleeding to fix it back.

…

Then, let's try and do _that _shall we…?

"Oh great… now what do you have in mind?"

* * *

Pretending to be in a critical condition was easy.

Acting that I was in a critical condition was hard.

What made it easy was that I was facing away from the Goblins and the wolves that were at my heels, as I purposely limped as dozens of arrows and a few daggers and short-swords stuck in my back. I also purposefully didn't let any part of me regenerate immediately as the wound on my shoulder-blade and the large cut in my knee stayed the same.

Fucking goblins… taming beautiful wolves to do their dirty bidding… Oh is that the light? I'm at the end of the tunnel! Fucking finally… now I can draw all of these bastards into the op—

I do not know exactly what happened, but my body flew forwards. Caught off guard and also letting go all of the strength I had in my body, along with my balance, a spell cast by a Shaman was the reason why my head was fried by electricity. _Mother… fucker…_

Thankfully, Amazon Warrior doesn't come out immediately like a hot-headed person as she was before… Good… she's biding her time for the ripe moment. If she's like that… I'll do the same. Let's play dead, after all, a zombie is best at acting dead.

So I did as the fucking goblins happily cackled over my 'dead' body as they pranced around, stabbing me multiples of times and later setting my body on fire.

…

…

…

It doesn't hurt… just… annoying.

That was when a wooden stick came shooting out of nowhere, taking off the Shaman's head completely as a big red squirt filled the air, sending the other goblins and the Hobgoblin in a dumb expression as they stood still not comprehending what just happened to their Shaman.

Then came down the Amazon Warrior roaring with a big smile on her face, knowing that I was perfectly fine. Swish went her axe and down did the goblins go.

Now… with their attention focused on the woman…

My hands shot straight to the nearest goblin as a single fist completely crushed his skull. Then, with my left arm completely regenerated, I pulled out my gun and pulled the trigger, killing a Hobgoblin as the bullet completely tore a huge chunk of his head. Then, the wolves came next as my gun went off a few times, each bullet taking away each wolf.

Oh you gallant beast, may you find a better afterlife.

Thankfully, my jacket was still in good condition despite the fire and holes from the sharp weapons thrown at me. After all, this cloth was made for an S-Class Hero. But I could think of such things later on. The slaughter went on and on, as I focused on those who tried to run away back into the cave or simply flee into the woods while Amazon Warrior focused on having her own fun.

She was impressive in any way, but not as interesting as Goblin Slayer of course.

…

No homo.

"That was fun!" Cried the Amazon Warrior joyfully as she placed her big-ass axe on her shoulder as she patted my head, which is something she tended to do anytime we went through a battle that made her sweat. I have no idea where she picked that habit up and I have no idea why I let her do that to me, but it felt nice. That's all it counts.

…

…

…

Is she taming me?

No… that can't be true…

"Now Zombieman!" Cried she as she lifted me by my waist as I complied with her wishes of me becoming her personal meat shield. "Onward! We have a Lich to defeat!"

Yay… Meatshield time. Not that I minded being held next to her sweaty abs…

…

…

…

God damn you my fucking hormones!

* * *

The Lich finally made a move the minute Amazon Warrior's axe put an end to the last miserable goblin who was trying to escape after seeing all of his friends being slaughtered by the duo Adventurers: Amazon Warrior and I. Truth to be told… the Lich looks ghastly disgusting.

"_**You…. you Adventurers… you have dared to enter my lair…?"**_

I don't like that voice… It's the sound of fingernails going across the chalkboard with the most darkest intentions to harm one's eardrums.

"I agree with you Zombieman… That voice is disturbing… and so is that Lich… But what's a_ chak-board_?"

"_**Don't ignore me!"**_ Hissed the Lich, obviously hurt that we were ignoring his fearsome magic that was flowing in his hand as bits of skeleton started to gather under his command.

"_**Now prepare to meet your doo—"**_

**BANG**

"..."

…

"... Zombieman… What. The. FUCK WAS THAT?!"

A bullet. Entering the Lich's head. And out of his head. Taking about… 101% of his head. And uhh… he's dead? Shouldn't we be celebrating for killing the Lich?

"Celebrate, my ass!" She screamed.

For the record she had a nice ass and I would love to celebrate it.

"I know that!" She screamed again, this time her face redder than before.

I… may have said the nice ass part out loud. So what was the problem?

"I DIDN'T GET TO FIGHT A LICH!"

…

Seriously…? That was what she was mad about?

"I was…! I was so looking forward to this adventure! I was so excited to fight a Lich…! Do you have any idea how much I longed to fight against a magic user? I always wanted to compare myself with them… They are at a different league you know… I just… _I simply just…"_

Slowly, I pat her back as her head drooped downwards with disappointment. She sat on the rocky floor, hugging her knees and I continuously pat her back. I felt bad for doing that, but in my defense, I had a bad feeling of what that bastard was trying to do. Better safe than sorry, so I pressed the trigger without hesitation.

"I-I understand…" She spoke again as she sighed, staring at the remains of the Lich. "Well… at least we completed a quest did we not?"

Well… not quite.

"Huh?" Spoke the Amazon Warrior obviously confused. "What do you mean by that?"

First of all, there is the issue with the loot there must be somewhere in here. With the Lich present, I doubt the fucker had stashed a few valuable stuff in this place. And the next problem is… well… goblins.

"Uhhh… can you explain a bit more Zombieman? You know that I am not quite familiar with the Goblin Slayer as you do to know a thing or two about goblins"

Well… the goblins I faced were fairly in a good mood… And there is only one way they feel good. When they feel the misery of a human being. That meant that they had killed some humans and had them for supper or the more probable theory would be… a woman.

Slowly making my way to a wooden door in the cave, I gently pushed it open to reveal… three broken people lying on the cave floor.

…

…

…

I believe it's her first time seeing such a thing is it?

"Y-yes… I knew goblins were bad… but… but to this extent…?"

Stories are vastly different from experience after all… One should get used to these green fuckers. They are everywhere… and if you're not careful enough, you might end up as somebody in this room.

She gulped and this time, I believe she took in my advice with great interest and attention. Let us get them up first. Then we would deal with our loot later.

"... agreed" She choked out a word as we both went into the room of debauchery.

…

…

…

Everybody has to start somewhere. For Amazon Warrior, the sight of such a horror would probably be her first, but I do not believe it is time for her to experience the first act of killing a baby.

Let the smoke from the fire choke their throats… she doesn't need to do this. Not yet, hopefully never, but that was a small possibility. There are just too many goblins in the world.

…

No, she has gone through enough for today. Perhaps it's a bad idea to just go over with this lesson, but I do not wish to see her everyday in a sullen mood.

But all goblins must die. They simply must.

Come along now, I'll buy you a drink and a good meal for today.

"... thanks"

* * *

"You know…" Slurred the Amazon Warrior as she held the bottle that cost me a whole pouch of gold to buy it for her. Whatever liquid the bottle contained, it was highly toxic enough to reduce the woman who apparently had a high alcohol tolerance rate.

This world was scary for so many reasons…(snu snu being one of them)

"I think this is my first time feeling like this, you know…?"

A tilt of my head answered her back.

"Oh you know… *_gulp_* *_gulp_* *_gulp_* *_burp_* *_sigh_* I'm only telling you this 'cause you're my partner 'kay? Don't go telling what I'm about to tell you to anybody else!"

Sure, sure. I do not wish to damage her privacy after all.

"You see… As I set my career as an adventurer, I only had two objectives. One is to prove the world that I was worthy of having the _title_ of an Amazon Warrior. I wished to represent my sisters and show others that my tribe was no pushover… I wished to bring _glory_ to my family…"

Noble… that was quite a noble goal that I respect. Genuinely, I was impressed with her speech, both because it meant a lot and because she was talking pretty straight even when drunk.

"Well… the second objective is to have _fun_, which I believe that I'm doing a wonderful job at… I wish to seek pleasure in the most brutal, bloody battles… You may not understand Zombieman, but fighting is what makes me… '_me'_"

She is correct. I do not understand. I do not feel this 'joy' when I fight and I think I never will.

"But today… I didn't feel any 'fun' from our adventure…"

I already apologized for killing the Lich—

"IT'S NOT ABOUT THE LICH!" She yelled at the top of her lungs, gaining looks from others from other tables along with the doggo waitress who stood way far away from me. Then, noticing the attention, she lowered her head and spoke in a smaller voice with her face redder than before.

"S-sorry Zombieman… I-I shouldn't have raised my voice like that…"

Apology accepted. I'm used to people staring at me anyways.

"Lich or not I enjoyed our time adventuring Zombieman… it's always fun when I'm with you…"

I gulped, careful to not mention the fact that its not fun when I suffer several fractures and internal organ damage from her brute strength when she gets out of control.

"But what I saw today… what I saw have damaged my second objective…"

Then, she chugged down the toxic drink once more, her eyes scrunching tight before opening once more before she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

"How can I enjoy adventuring… when there are… _there are so many in vain…?_ I wouldn't think like this before Zombieman… I really wouldn't… In my past self, I would've probably pitied against those women for a while, but immediately return to enjoying adventuring and bringing glory to my tribe… but…"

Is this because of Goblin Slayer?

"Wh… how did yo—… You were always a smart one Zombieman… unlike me… Yeah…. It… it kind of is…"

She knows about the Goblin Slayer, thanks to my bond that I share with him. I talked a fair amount of stories of myself and Goblin Slayer going on several quests together. Sometimes, I volunteered. Sometimes, he would step up to me and ask for assistance. And now, Amazon Warrior empathizes with him. She empathizes with his never ending hatred for those goblins, his sole focus on eliminating their entire race, and his grief over those he had lost to them. And this was possible because of my connection with him.

"Although… although I don't specifically know his story, it's pretty obvious now… And when thinking of him and his actions I just… _should I be like him…?_ I'm not talking about becoming a spirit who holds fiery vengeance… I'm speaking in a sense of hunting down goblins like Goblin Slayer… Should I sacrifice my joy and my goals to protect and rescue villagers who do not have enough protection from those goblins…?"

…

…

…

We and him are different. She should know this. Due to his tragic experiences, Goblin Slayer continues his path of isolation and despair, but not us. Obviously I will try my best to bring Goblin Slayer into the life of happiness, but Amazon Warrior doesn't need that help from me.

Remember, you are what you are. Just because your conscience hurts doesn't mean that you should throw yourself away and become a shell with empty contents.

And also know that we are helping people. All these adventures we had, weren't they all done for the sake of people who needed help? We do our own thing Amazon Warrior and Goblin Slayer does his own thing. There is no reason to simply throw away our thing and follow Goblin Slayer. Well, at least not now. Not now when Amazon Warrior is in such an emotional turmoil… Seriously… I didn't know she would take it this bad…

…

…

…

Does she perhaps have a history with rape and imprisonment per chance…?

…

Even if she has, it's best not to talk about it. Today was a rough day for her and all I wish was to see her smile again.

**CRASH**

"I'm good!" Came the voice under the table.

But first, I'm going to confiscate that bottle of hers and have a long talk with the man who sold me that shit. I asked for the highest alcohol content beverage, not fucking toxic nuclear poison. There's quite a difference between the two.

* * *

"Heheheheee…" Giggled the Amazon Warrior as I gave the large woman a piggyback ride. This time, she was too drunk to even stand up with her two feet, and knowing that she had pride and would like to maintain that, I grabbed her and hoisted the Amazon Warrior onto my back as we made our way back home.

Of course, for safety measures, I made sure she threw up a good amount of vomit before carrying her. I was not going to risk myself smell like puke.

Now… if she won't stop licking my ear everything would be alright…

And please don't nibble on it… please.

Kicking the door open after using the key in the lock, I immediately went to the bedroom. Shower can come in the morning and it was too late to change into her sleepwear.

"Wuuuuuhaaaa… Home…? Bed…? Hehehehheeee…" She continued on, delirious as ever. Now she's taking off her armor— wait wut?

"Time for beeeeeddd… oh…! Zombieman!"

Wait… what…? Breasts… butt… No! Don't come closer! Don't come cl—

"Awww~ You've come to see me naked haven't you you _naughty_ boy~" She cooed as she hugged me tight, burying my face once again into her-her-her… her… breasts! So soft! So fucking soft…! Wait, why is she opening her mouth? Wait… wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Not when you threw up just earlier! Not like this! Not like th—

"Muuuuwahhh!"

My first kiss in this world has been stolen by a drunk muscle-bound potential boy rapist that tastes puke. Help.

But it wasn't over yet. She started to drag me into her bed and… I didn't even take a shower! Please! Please have mercy! I may be an undead zombie, but I care about hygiene! You brute! You barbaric uncivilized beast! Let me at least take a bath! Let me—

"Zzzzzzzzzzz…"

…

Fuck. Trapped within her arm, I was stuck.

…

…

…

At least I took off my jacket before being imprisoned by her _strong_ muscles…

This… this was going to be a long night.

* * *

Actually, things didn't go as awkward as I thought. Maybe she was playing cool on the outside, but internally screaming on the inside, however I had no idea what was the case. But from what I concluded, an exposure of… _large proportion_ of skin was kinda allowed between us now. I'm not sure of myself, but she gave consent that I was free to look…

Not that I'm going to stare at her assets like a creep.

…

Well… it went a bit awkward I guess.

She confessed that she had a thing for me during breakfast as I made her scrambled eggs with bacon and french toast(she loves my cooking… if she can tame me with head pats, I'm going to tame her with food).

We decided to experiment with our relationship with each other as the conversation took a more rational take. She did confess that she might have a 'thing' for me, but it was too early to determine and she agreed. This was her first time ever feeling anything like this and she too wanted to take things not too fast, but moderate, while I wished we went slow. After all, I was still annoyed for sleeping without taking a shower and having my first kiss stolen by the stench of vomit.

Anyways, after feeding the large bear(she does look like one), we washed ourselves and set off for a brand new day and a brand new adventure.

It seems that yesterday's beverage did made her a bit better than before. Now she was smiling once again as we were staring at the bulletin board along with the other Silver-Ranked adventurers: Female Knight and Heavy Warrior. Just get married already.

"Wh-wh-wh-wh-what are you saying!" Cried the Female Knight flustering all over while the Heavy Warrior snorted.

"That was a bad joke Zombieman"

It was an _order_.

"Hah! Now _that's_ funny!"

With another snort, we had a few small talk and parted ways, but the Female Knight was still flustered. Then, we went back to choosing until something caught my eye.

"Hmmm… a wyvern… it surely will be a big battle I assume! Let us hunt this creature down shall we?!"

Nodding, we went to the Senior Receptionist who gave me a stink eye, which I responded by hiding behind the Amazon Warrior's large backside. I wasn't afraid, I simply wished to avoid certain conflicts that gets me annoyed.

Then, as the two began to develop small talks, I sort of wandered away, looking at the members of the guild and seeing how well they fared.

Some were on wooden benches with despair painted on their faces. Some were talking in loud voices about finances. Some were laughing over a funny incident they happened to witness.

That was when a group of youngsters caught my eye. There were four of them, three girls and one boy. Judging by their clothes and weapons, it looked like a well balanced party unlike the Amazon Warrior and I.

Children… just a happy bunch of children. Obviously they are all in Porcelain-Rank, judging by their bright innocent faces. I was going to mind my own business until I managed to learn the fact that they were going on a goblin slaying quest.

…

Where is Goblin Slayer? Bah, why am I saying the obvious? Obviously slaying goblins… But judging by the time, he should be back soon… After all, Amazon Warrior woke up late thanks to the shit I fed her last night.

…

…

…

Fuck it… me and my big nose… poking it into other people's fucking buisness…

"H-huh? Who are you?"

"Oh! Sir Zombieman! You're here!" The Receptionist greeted me with a… relieved face…? "Oh, this is Zombieman everyone. He's a Silver-Rank adventurer at the current moment"

I heard that… you are going on a Goblin Slaying quest?

"Oh yes!" Shouted the boy with vigor nodding his head. "We have to help them! Those filthy goblins attacked a village and stole their stocks of food and women!"

…

I'm sorry for interfering so much with your party, but can I ask you how much experience you have…?

"Oh… it's, ehehe… We all signed in today so…" Spoke the girl with a ponytail scratching her head. "We have… none?"

"But still though!" Said the boy, excitement shining in his eyes. "Those girls are waiting to be rescued! There's no time to lose!"

Haste makes waste.

"Could you please elaborate on what you said?" The one who I presumed was a mage spoke up, adjusting her glasses with an emotionless stare.

Calm down and prepare. I understand that justice must be delivered to those goblins, but be patient. You are not in a battlefield where the unthinkable is required. This is far away from the battlefield where we are all safe and capable of making rational decisions. Plan and strategize before jumping into the warzone. Receptionist, when is Goblin Slayer coming?

"He will be arriving soon sir Zombieman. Um… I was wondering if you could accompany them…"

I shook my head, pointing my thumb at the Amazon Warrior who was happily chatting with the Senior Receptionist, possibly gossiping about me and my strange ability. Anyways, since Goblin Slayer would be returning soon I suggest you wait for him. It's always nice to have a veteran with you and having him around you will guarantee your survival.

"But we can't wait! We must go there and save those people! And besides, they're goblins. I've even fought a few of them and won against them a few years ago!"

…

…

…

It is hopeless to convince this party to wait for a bit longer. The least I could do is this.

"E-eh? Money? Sir Zombieman, this is too much! You don't ne—"

I will leave them alone in peace, but in only one condition. At least buy 5 poison antidotes for the quest. Goblins are notorious for using poison by smearing them on their weapons after all. Judging by the size of the herd, they should've already learned to make poison at this point. The Priestess might have a Healing Miracle, but it is useless against poison, so it is crucial to at least have some potions.

"Wow! Thanks mister Zombieman!" Shouted the boy with delight. "Thank you so much for this!"

Just don't die kid… and remember that darkness is your enemy. Goblins can see you clearly in the dark while you cannot.

"Thank you so much for your advice mister Zombieman!"

"Thank you very much"

"T-thank you…!"

…

…

…

Reaching into my pocket, a white cigarette found its way up to my mouth as I lit a small fire with a lighter.

Inhale. Exhale.

"Zombieman! Let's go! Urgg… that foul smell… Is there any purpose of smoking things like that?"

Well… it calms you down a bit.

"Huh… I didn't know that"

I doubt you would. Your only addiction is liquor.

"Ha! You know me too well! Now, on with our adventure! There is Wyvern to slay!"

* * *

We have to bring the fucker down to earth.

"That I have to agree… this is going to be a challenge Zombieman… When was the last time we had a challenge Zombieman…? Perhaps the first Red Bear we encountered I presume… But… there's a lot of opponents this time…"

Nowhere did the request said that there would be at least a dozen of Wyverns. This wasn't just one beast terrorizing a village, this was a whole fucking flock.

And they were tricky to deal with too. My guns killed most of them, but they have learned by seeing their deceased comrades and adapted their movements to avoid my shots. Apparently, I still lack experience and skill of wielding these weapons, no matter how powerful they were.

…

I need to spar and I think Amazon Warrior would be happy to be my sparring partner.

But… we need to deal with these Wyverns first, the idea of training can come later. The only chance we have is when they swoop down to attack us directly. It was a miracle that these animals didn't use long ranged attacks. At least my bullets downed the number of them to four…

"**RAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"**

**SCREECH**

**CRASH**

Okay, now there's three. But she's… bleeding. A thick flow of blood was dripping down her head, soaking her hair and wetting her face.

"No worries! It's just a graze! Just focus on what's going on around you!"

Well… if they want me to be their food for the day…

"**KREEEEEEEEE!**!**!"**

I might as well let them have their meal: me.

"ZOMBIEMAN!" Roared the Amazon Warrior as one Wyvern managed to get a hold of me on my stomach using its legs to pick me up. Soon another Wyvern followed the Wyvern that was carrying me, eager to have a tasty morsel of human flesh, while the remaining Wyvern trained its eyes on the Amazon Warrior. Glaring at the Wyvern who was focused on her, the Amazon Warrior roared, provoking the Wyvern.

Huh… it doesn't hurt much, but that other Wyvern who wasn't carrying me was getting awfully close. It looks a bit too eager to eat me up… and it would be done if I didn't have my remaining _handgun_ hidden in my sleeve.

**Eat lead bitch**.

I changed my cartridges a while ago… you might notice the difference in speed and power of this bullet… Or not. This bullet here is in a whole other level—

**BANG**

—for you to anticipate.

Literally, half of the Wyvern disappeared from my view. His head, his neck, and his front arms and half of his body disappeared, leaving only the smallest traces of blood and flesh. But my right arm was completely fucked up.

And so was my situation.

The Wyvern, surprised and hurt by the shockwave produced by the new cartridge, shrieked as it let go of me as I plummeted downwards.

No… There was no fucking way I'm going to let this motherfucking Wyvern fly free! Not when the distance between us is this close…!

Unfortunately, I had lost my other handgun during our fight with the Wyverns. One got too close and took my arm off along with the gun. Although the gun is a terrifying weapon, it's small and portability was a problem as it went into the Wyvern's stomach.

At least my sleeves carried a little treat called a firebomb that sent the Wyvern to cough up smoke and fire midair, killing it almost instantly as its large body met the solid rocky ground.

But anyways, I can't shoot him now. It takes at least three seconds to heal my arm, but in those three seconds, who knows what could happen.

So, I used the weapon I had in my left arm. The axe that was sharp enough to pierce the scales of the Wyvern with ease. I don't know how I swung my axe in that position, but I did, dislocating my shoulder in the process.

"**KREEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**!**!"** Screeched the Wyvern as the axe dug deep into its left heel as I was left dangling with determination never to let go of my gun. The axe was threatening to fall out any second from the beast's bleeding ankle, but all I needed was three seconds.

One Mississippi.

Two Mississippi.

Three Missi—

That was when the axe slipped out of the Wyvern's ankle. Although its scales held the weapon in place, the Wyvern thrashed around from the pain that resulted in me from falling off. But it's too late. My arm is healed up completely.

_Aim & Fire._

The enormous shockwave took place once again as I plummeted down to earth. Was this… okay? Would the impact with earth cause my body to be reduced into mince meat…? Meh, whatever. I killed the fucker. Let's just hope the Amazon Warrior finished the other one off.

…

…

…

…

…

…

I think I felt something from that fall… Ah shit… I think my body broke into pie— is that the remaining part of the Wyvern falling on top of me?

…

…

…

At least it didn't land on top of me… That would've… created some problems. But the dust from the impact… God fucking damnit… _some got into my eyes_…

…

…

…

Is that Amazon Warrior's voice I'm hearing?

"_Zombieman…!_ Zombieman! **ZOMBIEMAN!"**

Oh… there she comes, running at full speed. Seeing her so lively makes me relieved… She's faring well.

"Oh you magnificent bastard!" She cried as she slid down the crater that was created by me. Then, she came to an abrupt stop as she looked at what remained of me with a slightly uncomfortable face.

"You… remind me of clay pots my sisters used to practice their archery skills. Zombieman, you are completely _shattered_"

Gee, I didn't even notice.

"No need for sarcasm! Now… just how long will it take for you to heal up?"

Judging by the condition of my body, it would probably take more than a minute. If I were to estimate, it would take 3 minutes. If I concentrate hard enough, maybe faster I guess.

"Take your time" Sighed the Amazon Warrior who reached to her pouch to pull out a potion, which she drank. A stamina potion I presume… she already had a health potion since there is no longer any more blood coming from her head and many of her bruises and cuts were gone from her. Meanwhile, here I am, drenched in blood, and caked with dust and dirt.

Joy.

"Oh don't be such a bummer! At least we had a great time, didn't we?!"

We sure did…

* * *

"It… it isn't your fault…"

No. No it's not. But the truth hurts nonetheless.

Four newbies went into a cave. Three made out, but one completely broken beyond repair.

Ignite. Inhale. Exhume.

The foul smoke rose into the air once more and my cigarette grew too short to suck on it any more. Slowly, with my thumb and forefinger, I crushed the burning tip of it and held onto it, since I couldn't simply loiter on the ground of the tavern.

Meanwhile, the Receptionist, the Goblin Slayer, and the Amazon Warrior was occupying my table as they sat down having their meal. The Receptionist's shift had already ended and Goblin Slayer was simply there to talk to me about what happened in the cave.

The Wizard and the Priestess survived with their sanity intact but scarred for sure. The other two… one was dead for sure, and the other was as good as dead.

"The antidote saved the Wizard" Spoke the Goblin Slayer. "They said that they wanted to thank you for it… but at the moment they are resting right now. I made sure they are"

At least a few survived.

"Yeah… at least they did…" Spoke the Amazon Warrior who listened to the news as she gulped down her beer once again. "Anyways, have a drink Zombieman… Let your worries—"

Hell no, I don't drink.

"W-what?! I'm over here generously offering my share to ease your pain and you rudely refuse?"

Like the Receptionist had said, it isn't my fault that those Porcelain-Ranked adventurers got killed. It does sting that they have died, but its by their own volition that they have died. The Receptionist and I warned and advised numerous times to take it slow until the Goblin Slayer arrived, but it is their fault for not heeding our words.

Thus, I do not feel responsible for their tragedy.

"..."

"Souka"

"... damn that's cold" Muttered the Amazon Warrior. "Oh whatever! Stop being a sourpuss and have some beer!"

If this is a tactic to manipulate my rationality and get addicted to alcohol, I must refuse.

"Sucker!" Jeered the Amazon Warrior as she stuck out her tongue. "Fine then, care for a pint Receptionist? And even to you Goblin Slayer!"

"N-no thank you" Spoke the Receptionist with a smile as she made an X sign with her arms. "I try my best not to drink…"

"I can't" Spoke the Goblin Slayer curtly. "I have to go home"

"This sucks!" Cried the Amazon Warrior pouting. "Why can't I have my own drinking buddies?!"

Find alcoholics then. I'm sure you'll have a great time wasting your life with them.

"S-s-so cruel!" Cried the Amazon Warrior clutching her heart.

"It's the truth" Spoke the Goblin Slayer, slowly making his leave.

"T-there's two of them…!" Whispered the Amazon Warrior looking terrified. "Why didn't I notice this before?! There's literally two of them…! Receptionist! Save me!"

"See you tomorrow Zombieman"

See you tomorrow Goblin Slayer.

The sun sets, and the day has passed. Goblin Slayer is long gone. The Receptionist is now talking with the flirting Spearman who happened to catch sight of us. I am smoking and relaxing with the Witch as Amazon Warrior proudly tells the tale of how she slew those Wyverns and how I created an impressive crater.

All there is left is to wait until Amazon Warrior carries me back home, take a quick bath, throw my half naked ass on bed, and force me to stay as I would be forced to cuddle with the tipsy woman.

…

…

…

God fucking dammit boner. We're not in the mood… _yet_.

* * *

**FYI: Second Base**

**Fav and Follow pls~! And Reviews are LOVE!**!**!**


	4. Doggo?

"Again Zombieman! Again!"

I grunted as I blocked another swing of my partner's axe as I went skidding sideways.

"Come on Zombieman! Faster! More precise! Stronger!"

Bitch, you did this all your life. I barely started doing this shit a few years ago.

"What a puny excuse! I expect my man to be stronger and more skillful! Now, don't be ashamed of my reputation! I must have a perfect man to show off to my sisters!"

Wow… my life is now a trophy husband.

"T-that's not true! I will love you and uphold my respect for you, dearly!"

I was being sarcastic. Besides, it's our job to show each other off to others, isn't it?

It has been a few weeks since we actually became a 'thing' thing and that all happened only a few days after we had our nonconsensual first kiss. Thankfully, the memory of the taste of vomit was banished within my head, but what remained was our first real tender first kiss…

…

…that lasted for about 0.02 seconds when she began to shove her tongue down my throat.

I tried to fight back, but being a crazy muscle bound Amazoness, even her tongue was hard as steel as her abs as my resistance became futile. The fight for dominance always ended in her favor and I believe she did train me to become somewhat sexually submissive.

I swear it all started from the head pats that I now crave every now and then.

Anyways, back to the sparring.

Exploiting her sluggish movements, my machetes quickly maneuvered her swing into the empty air and embedded my fist deep into her solar plexus, which caused her to cough wildly. Not letting go of this chance, I hooked my foot under her ankle and slammed my relatively small body into hers.

Finally, she was knocked down, and I had my machetes dangerously lined up against her juglar. The thick greenish vein could be seen through her heaving throat as blood everlastingly pumped throughout her whole circulatory system.

Finally, I won. 15 to 1, it's my first win.

"You… you really don't get exhausted do you…?"

Affirmative, but my answer doesn't seem to please her.

"T-that's cheating…!" She pathetically whimpered as she still tried to catch her breath. "You don't die, you don't get exhausted… you can take on an army if you have time!"

…

Guess so.

"Arrrgh!" Screamed the Amazon Warrior in anguish as she stressfully flung her body onto the dirt floor, which allowed the dirt to be adhered to the sweat that clung to her body. Then, she started to throw a tantrum like a little bitch.

It was amusing to see her like this. Amusing enough to put a smile on my face.

_"I shall wipe that smug face of yours clean, Zombieman"_

Fuck.

* * *

Okay, now what the heck is this?

I stared dispassionately at the fidgeting girl who was under the gaze of two Silver-Ranked Adventurers. Very slowly, I took a long sip of my really fresh orange juice with a self made straw and continued my assault of my crimson eyes upon her. I wonder if she has anything to say.

"..."

I heard nothing coming from the girl and the Amazon Warrior didn't seem to catch it either.

"I'm sorry"

There is no logical reason for the girl to be sorry. After all, the word 'sorry' is only used when one does any sort of harm to another and after feeling genuine regret, guilt, and the seek of redemption.

"I… I didn't listen to your advice and —"

The word 'I' implies that whatever happened inside that shithole was her sole fault. I recommend that the girl uses 'we' instead of 'I'. Besides, if there is anybody if you have to feel sorry about because of that is yourself and those who entered that cave with you.

"I-I… I understand"

For even one second, I do not think that I am being harsh. This dumb 'prodigy' needed this harsh words from me, and even if her experience taught her enough, I was going to make it absolutely sure that she doesn't make the same mistake twice.

It was the Wizard that came to meet me, with her hat lowered from her head, and face facing the floor, unable to tilt up and stare into the pool of blood in my eyes.

Just a few days ago, the little Priestess officially became Goblin Slayer's partner/party member, and I remember the Amazon Warrior joyously buying each of them a drink. Somehow, the Goblin Slayer managed to slip out of her grasp and disappear before the energetic woman can congratulate them, but fortunately(or unfortunately) she had her hands on the poor Priestess as she was dragged into the bar and was nearly force-fed with alcohol before the Goblin Slayer reappeared to save the poor thing from becoming intoxicated.

He couldn't save me though.

Seeing the Priestess back on her feet and continue with her adventuring with determination, it seemed like the Wizard gained enough courage to try becoming an Adventurer once again, but this time with caution and hesitation and a handful of doubt, which I did not approve of at all. Too much doubt will kill anybody. What somebody needs is confidence, but never pride; humbleness, but never self-hate. If one fails in this… well… you would likely become an asshole.

"That's… reassuring…" Mumbled the Wizard as she stared at her toes.

"What are you here for Wizard?" Spoke the Amazon Warrior with… pity in her voice. Understandable. Ever since she had a good look at what happened to the unfortunate ones in the goblin cave, pity was the first expression she expressed when she encountered the 'unfortunate ones'.

"I just… I don't know. Well… obviously I want to thank you for saving me"

No problem and don't you add in that you're sorry.

"I-I wasn't planning on doing that!"

Could've fooled her.

"Hey!" Yelled the Amazon Warrior looking a bit pissed. "What is that supposed to mean? That I'm dense?"

Ye—

I ate dirt and sawdust as my head was buried deep into the wooden floor as some of the wooden planks pierced my skin.

"That'll do it" Huffed the Amazon Warrior dusting off her head before spanking my ass for good measure as the Wizard stared at us in horror.

"W-will he be okay…?"

"Ye, he heals up fast"

…

…

…

"Say, little girl, wanna join our party?"

"Eh?"

* * *

I think it was a good idea to take her along. There's a bit more balance to us now since the Amazon Warrior and I always went offensive.

"I-I'm sorry… but most of my spells are offensive…"

…

At least you have some defensive ones right?

"Y-yes, yes I do"

Good. We'll be needing that a lot. Well… you'll need them for yourself and for my girlfriend.

"G-girlfriend? Y-you're dating…?"

"Indeed we are" Spoke the Amazon Warrior as she reached down to grope my ass, which made me squirm with slight pleasure as I moaned quietly with delight. Then, with an icy glare, my girlfriend threatened the poor Wizard. "And if you are interested in him in any way, I suggest you recheck your feelings _one more time"_

A frantic shake of her head was all it took for us to know that she wasn't going to be any homewrecker. Even if she attempted to be, she lacked the muscles and the Amazon Warrior had already… 'trained' me to a degree that she could be half-assured that there was no chance that anybody would 'steal' me.

Anyways… where was I?

Right.

Wolves.

Correction: savage wolves that killed people down below.

Strange it was to see the wolves so far down below. Obviously, there must be a lack of food or a higher ranking predator may have seized their territory. Either way, in order to keep the ecosystem in order, I would have to find the cause and exterminate it. After all, touching the symptoms would do nothing but have the same outcome to repeat itself.

But first, before journeying deeper into the woods… I believe a decrease in the population of wolves is needed.

"W-wait… I thought we were only going to…"

"Oh what's the fun in having such a boring quest?!"

"B-but…!"

"Did you seriously think we chose an easy quest just because we had a new Porcelain ranked adventurer in our party? Tough luck. These quests are much harder than fighting great beasts and demons. It takes days, even weeks to complete this task. Quests like these may be cheap, but my soon-to-be husband is quite a stubborn person. He is the one who truly completes these sorts of 'quests' and of course I follow him"

"... why may I ask…?"

"Why? Why?! Oh, silly girl! Because it's fun… it's exhilarating… it's the best gift I could receive from him after all! Hunting new things, discovering new territory, eating exotic dishes, hot heated sex in the woods—"

A punch to her solar plexus shut her up.

* * *

Penny for your thoughts?

"Eh…?! O-oh, it's you sir Zombieman…"

Here we are, sitting near the fire as the yellow, orange sparks flew up into the air. Next to us are a pile of bones of animals that happened to assume that we were prey and predators. Over two thirds of those were devoured by the Amazon Warrior who is sleeping/drooling inside the tent. After singing her a soft lullaby that I managed to remember from my other life, I was supposed to be the one looking out for ambushes from monsters, if they were willing to strike us at night. The Wizard should be asleep, but it looks like Morpheus wasn't coming that fast for her.

"Who's Morpheus?"

A God… of dreams… if I remember correctly. My mind is still jumbled up with pieces and bits that are mostly intact, but… they are severed quite badly.

"Huh… never heard of that God before…"

Figured.

A light whimper came from my jacket and the Wizard stared at the small lump that was poking out of it.

"So… why did you bring… it with you"

A small canine head pops from the jacket and yips a few times. I killed her parents, but they were trying to kill me so it was justifiable. Hopefully, I wished that this wolf wasn't sentient and emotional enough to seek revenge on me.

"It's… cute"

Indeed. But I would like to see this pup to be a grown predator… Just imagine how splendid it would be. Large, dangerous, and a hint of integrity within her.

"Are you somebody who likes dogs sir Zombieman?"

I think I did, seeing how I adore this pup.

I twist my head towards the heavens and see the two bright moons as I stargaze along with the Wizard who followed my gaze to marvel at the wonderful sky.

The pup yowled up at the moons and I could already hear her howl gracefully from the top of the cliffs.

* * *

"That's not supposed to be there…"

No shit.

"Then just, WHY is it HERE?"

Jeezes, I wanted to answer that question. But to gain answers, I would first have to ask the same question to the giant centipede over there who is chewing on the corpse of some other high ranking beast, which I'm NOT going to do.

"T-this isn't a quest suited for me sir Zombieman! R-retreat! Tactical retreat sounds good right? Right…? Now if we can just…!"

I facepalmed so hard when the Amazon Warrior bellowed as she charged headfirst towards the giant centipede with her axe swinging in full charge.

I was about to agree with the Wizard and compliment her on making such a logical statement, but look at what my idiotic lover just did. Sighing, I pulled out my handgun and my ax, and jumped into the fray, signaling the Wizard to stay put.

This was totally out of her league and she needed to stay away from the mayhem that was about to break out. Problem is, I wouldn't really recommend her to move too far away from us since we are quite deep in the forests, but that doesn't mean that she could be near us. Besides, the little pup who is in the arms of the Wizard might also get harmed and it would be a shame to lose the young wolf.

Anyways, die motherfucker.

_**BANG**_

* * *

This is another level of awkwardness.

"H-hello…"

"Ah…! H-hi… been a long time… right…?"

I simply chew on the cigarette while I give a nod towards Goblin Slayer as his new party member and my new party member started to make a very uncomfortable atmosphere.

…

Yeah, it's probably better to just ignore it and have some small talk with the Goblin Slayer.

"I'm doing fine. There were two goblin nests"

I believe that they were successful.

"I killed all of them"

I wouldn't expect less. How's your new companion doing?

"... she's strong. She could survive. How's yours?"

…

She's learning quickly. The word prodigy would be the best way to describe how her brain functions. It's like a sponge when you see how easily she absorbs information. But… contrast to her software, her hardware is below average. She showed signs of hesitation when dissecting a dead carcass for food and isn't used to having her hands dirty.

I tend to change that.

"Souka"

I nodded my head as we lingered for a while watching the exchange of conversations between the Wizard and the Priestess as they finally seemed to break the ice.

From afar, the Amazon Warrior comes back with a sack of coins with a large grin on her face and I automatically lean my head downwards for her to pet me.

* * *

I stared with immense curiosity towards the three people that stood in front of me. An elf, a dwarf, and a lizardman? People raised from different races, different cultures, and different ethics don't usually get together, but this is a unique bunch.

"Are you… the _Defui…?"_

No, I don't know who you are talking about.

"Ha! Elves…" Grumbled the dwarf as he semi-sneered at the elf girl with little malice as she wore a furious expression. "We're in the human lands long-ears! That language of yours will do little to know if he's him. So that being said…"

I think he is a shaman based on his outfit. A Dwarf Shaman. His little eyes peered curiously into mine as he stroke his beard.

"Are you the one named… _Akai-Kemuri?"_

I shook my head.

"Pahahaha! Look who's talking funny now, huh?!"

I stared dispassionately at the two as the dwarf and the elf bickered with each other as the seemingly neutral lizardman simply sighed by his party member's antics. Are they sure they're looking for me?

"I believe so good sir" Spoke the lizardman as he made his way up to me. "Sorry about my companions, they are under a lot of stress at the moment"

Why does he believe so?

"It is because you fit the description perfectly. Blood red eyes that have no soul, a long jacket along with an ax at your back, etcetera etcetera. Do you perhaps… go by the name Zombieman?"

That's me alright. Do you have something for me?

"Oh no, well… No offense sir Zombieman but finding you wasn't our main objective. The tales of your… _traits _have reached our ears and we were simply curious. I'm sorry that we had to interrupt your time like this"

I've gotten used to it.

…

Who were you looking for then?

"Well, to be truthful we were searching for your companion…"

The Amazon Warrior?

"No, I believe that this warrior we seek is a male…"

"Orcbolg!" Shouted the High Elf Archer with renewed vigor. "Do you perhaps know him? Rumor says that you and him are friends…"

No, I have no idea what you are talking about.

…

Didn't I say the same thing before?

"Well… Let's hope that this time, I'll be the one with luck" Grumbled the dwarf as he made his way to me, pushing the elf girl aside as if she were a sack of sand.

"Does your friend… go with the name _Kamikirimaru?"_

…

"You don't even need an answer from him!" Howled the elf girl as she laughed at the dwarf's face as he began to growl in frustration. "I guess a dwarf is useless indeed~ Stubborn as rocks too if I may add!"

"Not as useless as your anvils, you flat woman!"

"M-my chest…?! Th-these have nothing to do with anything you dirty perverted grandpa!"

"Say what you want anvil!"

…

I wish I could smile just once. This antics between the elf and the dwarf is what I used to consider funny, but now I couldn't even feel my lips twitch.

But do I feel sadness because of it? No. Just… a bit empty I would say. The only things I would feel are basic instincts, needs, and a pinch of humanity that are within me. Lust, gluttony, a desire to quench my boredom… Those would be the only things I have and what I have been reduced into.

"My apologies once again Zombieman… My companions don't get along quite well"

Gee, I didn't notice.

"We indeed seek the one named Orcbolg… quite unfortunately we lack the skill of speaking in the human tongue. How did it go…? Ah, right! Goblin Sl—"

"_Did somebody say… __**Goblins?"**_

The Lizard Priest had just uttered the magic spell to summon the Goblin Slayer. When you speak of goblins, he always appears unannounced and speaks with a voice of focus and conviction to kill all of the green pests.

"That's…! Ohhhh… I can see that he is indeed a formidable warrior!"

The High Elf Archer seemed to disagree by the look on her face.

* * *

The wolf I had named Luna was growing rapidly as she began to show the skills of tracking, alerting, and flopping cutely down on the floor.

Currently, she was purring like a cat in my lap as I softly scratched her head and played with her mushy face. In front of me were the three party members that were looking for Goblin Slayer a few hours ago. They came back from their quest, whatever it was, and the elf especially didn't look very happy about what had happened.

I wasn't surprised by her behavior. Most people feel emotionally exhausted and depressed after adventuring with Goblin Slayer. Although I'm an exception.

"That's not adventuring!" Shouted the High Elf Archer slamming her palms on the wooden table. "That's… that's just a quest of vengeance… It's not fun, it's not exciting… _it's not…!"_

What a free-spirited animal. But, as much as adventuring can be fun and great, reality is always a bitch. Reality, the being that caused him to drive Goblin Slayer to become Goblin Slayer.

"I-I know… My sisters… _my family lives near there…"_

That doesn't mean that you have to restrict yourself from having fun.

…

I think I already talked about this topic with the Amazon Warrior…

"You did"

Oh shush.

…

So, an ogre?

"Ay… I know that Goblin Slayer trusts you and all, but please do not talk much about it. The more quiet we are about this, the better"

I understand. Anyways, the ogre… Did he have green skin?

"P-pardon?"

Somehow, I think I have a prejudice that all ogres have green skin… and own a swamp.

"What a strange prejudice… Mostly the color green goes with goblins, or such as myself, a lizardman. In fact, the words 'green' and 'swamp' refer to my brethren more than an ogre"

"Can we not talk about goblins?" Moaned the elf as she grabbed her ears softly. "I wanna think about something else! Let's talk about something else! Stories! Adventures! Anything!"

"Well… if you wish, Zombieman is a great storyteller!"

"Wait… him?" Spoke the High Elf Archer suspiciously at the Amazon Warrior. "Isn't he… too much… un-emotional for storytelling?"

"Oh no, that's not quite true" Spoke the Wizard, butting in as she raised her glasses sharply. "His voice strangely pulls you into his story where you simply think of nothing except for what is going on in his own world…! I can guarantee you that it would be worthwhile!"

All of these stares of expectations from them are making me uncomfortable. Everybody was here except for Goblin Slayer who retired to home early. Sighing, I started off the story that starts from a galaxy far far away…

* * *

**About Dwarf language: I have no idea where the heck 'beard-cutter' came from. The Japanese ver. of the Goblin Slayer had his name as _Kamikirimaru_ and in translation, it means _'the child that bites'_** **or something like that. Correct me if I'm wrong.**

**That is why I went with a Japanese name of 'Akai-Kemuri', which is translated into 'Red Smoke/Mist'. The reason of why he is called so will be shown in the next chapter.**

**About Elf language: _'Defui'_ in translation is _'Defy'_. You might guess why the elves call Zombieman that, but further explanation will be shown in the next chapter.**

**Oh, and Zombieman didn't go on with the Ogre quest with Goblin Slayer btw. He was too busy playing with his new puppy and sparring with his party members.**


End file.
